When Katherine Jackson, matriarch of America’s worst family, turned up missing last week, you just knew something fishy was going on inside the gates of the Jackson palatial estate. And it probably involved money.
Here are the developments:
1. Katherine Jackson turns up missing. She’s eventually found at a spa with Rebbie “Centipede” Jackson on a vacation (from what?).
2. While Katherine is gone, Michael Jackson’s siblings boldly move to have Katherine removed from her position of guardianship over Michael’s three children (Prince Michael, Paris, and BLANKET) and his billion dollar estate. Hmmm …
3. Katherine emerges from her mud bath sauna and decries her children’s actions. She claims she’s devastated. Meanwhile, Jackson’s siblings (Janet, Tito, Jermaine, etc.) deny any attempts to keep Jackson’s kids from seeing their grandmother.
YEESH. That’s a lot of bullshit right there!
It was pretty clear from the video of Janet Jackson trying to snatch Paris Jackson’s cell phone on the driveway of the Jackson estate that Michael’s siblings were clumsily trying to overrun Michael’s estate. This is what happens when you have a billion dollars to your name and a boatload of freeloading, no-talent wannabees.
However, Prince Michael used technology to undermine the conniving plans of his aunts and uncles. He sent a group text to his aunts, demanding that they let him see his missing grandmother. Fortunately, his old-ass aunts don’t realize that replying to group texts sends the message to EVERYONE. In this case, Janet clearly replies (to her sisters) that they should not let the kids see Katherine! So, in effect, Janet Jackson is kidnapping her own mother and trying to take CONTROL of her late brother’s estate!
That a cunt!
Here is a screenshot Prince Michael released from his cell phone.
You’d be hard pressed to find a more ignorant, pig-faced pile of shit than Nancy Grace. She is the Devil’s asshole, a steaming void that spews out only the most revolting, sensationalistic garbage for the sake of ratings. She would fuck a goat with her hog twat if she thought she’d gain an extra ratings point.
One of Grace’s “trademarks” is her relentless, screeching tirades about child deaths – she loves that shit. Grace likes to envision herself as some sort of morbidly-obese, chronically-congested Wonder Woman who courageously fights child injustice around the world.
Of course, Grace chooses these cases because viewers quickly become emotional about the deaths of children. They then latch onto Grace’s idiotic catchphrases (like “Tot Mom” about Casey Anthony) and further fuel Grace’s agenda. Day after day and week after week Grace hammers on the same thing until everyone ends up a loser. Especially the world.
Grace’s tirades sometimes get her in trouble, like the time she ridiculed a woman so badly in 2006 that the woman shot herself in the head. Sadly, Grace was never directly implicated in the suicide.
Now Grace has killed again. Toni Medrano was a young mother who accidentally rolled over on her infant son and killed him after passing out on alcohol. Medrano’s blood alcohol level was .11, barely above the legal limit. She was, of course, facing criminal prosecution for what is probably a terrible situation for any mother.
But that wasn’t good enough for Grace, who apparently wanted Medrano to be drawn-and-quartered live on HLN. Day after day Grace continued her assault on Medrano, dubbing her “Vodka Mom” and pouring alcoholic drinks on the show. Medrano was so upset by Grace’s attacks and the overwhelming internet hate that she lit herself on fire and died.
Question: Can we charge Grace with Medrano’s murder?
It seems like just a few short years ago that Tom Cruise was jumping up and down on Oprah’s couch like a monkey with an ass full of fiery thetans due to his love for Katie Holmes. Actually, it WAS just a few years ago. Five years ago, to be exact.
Now humanity’s greatest love story is being dumped into the trash like so many other rock-solid celebrity romances – Cruise and Holmes are getting a divorce. Cue wailing.
Many pop psychologists have assumed that Scientology came between the pair, and that Holmes really doesn’t like being forced to wear an e-meter while she’s shitting. However, I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that Holmes doesn’t enjoy babysitting that spoiled little bitch Suri while Cruise oil-wrestles dudes to the floor and then buttfucks them. Yeah, maybe that has something to do with it.
Both Cruise and Holmes have asked everyone to respect their privacy during this difficult time, which essentially means that they are waiting for People magazine to cough up the dough.
There is an epidemic in this country. WAIT, DON’T PANIC! This has nothing to do with you or I.
It involves models. Specifically male models. Gorgeous male models. You see, they don’t get nearly enough attention. Without constant adoration and worship, these models begin to suffer from ADS (Attention Deficit Syndrome). They soon become disoriented, lose their will to live, and eventually become fat, friendless wannabees writing to nobody on a pop culture website.
In order to boost their levels of narcissism to those of healthy controls, the male models at Abercrombie & Fitch decided to film themselves gawking stupidly at the camera and clumsily dancing to that annoyingly-brilliant summer pop song “Call Me Maybe” by Carly Rae Jepsen (who?). Here it is:
I love how they struggle to form words with their mouths that match those being sung in the song. Mostly it just involves these preening little bitches strutting around with their shirts off. I could do that, too. Like, duh.
FUN FACT: If 10% of every group of males is gay, then every single model in this video is gay.
At 4pm yesterday a YouTube video was posted by user capitaltrigga that shows some middle school students mercilessly taunting Karen Klein, a hearing-impaired bus monitor in the Greece, NY school district. Here is that revolting video, titled “Making The Bus Monitor Cry”:
Gives one hope for the future, doesn’t it? These kids have no shame at all! The absolute worst moment comes when the kids tell her that she’s “so ugly that her kids should kill themselves.” Klein later revealed that her son had killed himself 10 years earlier! HEARTBREAKING!
Fortunately, the internet discovered the video within minutes. Over the course of the next few hours, the video was shared on Reddit before landing into the brilliant hands of the users at 4chan. The geniuses behind Anonymous and other forms of internet justice quickly discovered the identities of the brats responsible and contacted the school district, which then punished them.
But it gets better. Klein began receiving emails and even bouquets from people around the world who were horrified by the emotional abuse heaped on this gentle woman. Then, Reddit user Max Sidorov created a page to collect donations to help the bus monitor financially.
And how much do you think they’ve raised in less than one day?
Nice job, internet!
Girls, face it – the boys in One Direction are gay. You can scream your heads off all you want (please don’t) and it won’t make any difference. These boys have tasted the penis, and there just isn’t any way back after that.
Now, I couldn’t care less about their sexuality at all. They could be so gay that Elton John would blush in embarrassment and I wouldn’t care. In fact, I hope they can find safety and happiness in their very openly gay lives.
But here’s why exposing their gayness matters: One Direction is a marketing tool designed to cater to young girls flush with allowance money. These gay boys are pretending to want pure heterosexual love with young women in order to cash in on their looks. It’s disgusting.
So here is the indisputable video proof of the gayness of the boys in One Direction. Check out the evidence and agree with me:
Sigur Rós might be the world’s most boring band. They’ve been playing the same damned song for ten years now, but their fans think they’re “geniuses.” I imagine you could think a glass of milk is “genius” too if you stare at it long enough.
Give them credit, though, because they finally figured out how to make anybody give a shit about their music: put a famous guy’s cock in the music video! I guess actual stars like Leonardo DiCaprio and Tom Cruise were unavailable, so they were stuck with using Shia Lebeouf. And his dick.
Here is the video for the song “Fjögur Píanó” (Oh, fuck you Sigur Rós and your fucking “artistic” umlauts!)(and that title bores the fuck out of me! SO BORING!):
Here is a nastier look at Lebeouf’s little Transformer:
Don’t believe in miracles? Frankly, I don’t blame you. Injustice is everywhere, and no matter how much anybody prays for help, it never comes. People are starving to death all over the world. Rape, murder, and violence plague our world. Roger Clemens is a free man. And nothing magical ever seems to happen to save anybody from any of it.
Well, perhaps we’re just worshiping the wrong god.
A wild story from The Telegraph involved a seven year-old girl named Charlotte Neve, who suffered a brain hemorrhage and nearly died before two emergency operations reduced the bleeding in her cranium. However, the little girl was comatose, and the doctors told her mother to expect Charlotte to die.
So the mother went into Charlotte’s hospital room to essentially say goodbye. While she was doing this, Adele’s “Rolling In The Deep” came on the radio (editor’s note: yeah, we’re sick of that song, too … but bear with us). This was the song the pair liked to sing together. So the mother began singing along with Adele.
And Charlotte smiled. Within two days, Charlotte was awake, alert, and making a quick recovery.
So, the whole point of this article is to announce Adele’s ascension to Godhood. And you thought she was everywhere before …
Apparently some Chinese people decided to dig a deep well in their village. As they were digging, they unearthed a strange, double-headed “mushroom” with a soft, latex-like consistency. All of the villagers were perplexed by this new plant, which oozed a milky white substance and fit snugly in the palm of the human hand.
Since nothing obviously ever happens in China, the Chinese news had to come to the village for a hard-hitting investigative report on the discovery. Here is that report:
Yes, they unearthed a double-ended fleshlight. Try making THAT into a soup, dumbshits.
And we’re LOSING to this country! Amazing!
David Hasselhoff is one of the most talentless waste of hair and botox ever. The Hoff has been embarrassing himself over and over in this country for years, yet is revered as a God and musical genius in other countries.
Now The Hoff, desperate for attention and work is staring in the new Lean Pockets commercial. I’m not sure why on Earth anybody would pay him to act, but apparently the embarrassment is attention enough for Nestle. Although they couldn’t really be paying him much for this, are they. Here’s the disaster of a commercial, watch the whole thing, if you can.
Now they’re just fighting over hoes. Dawg.
Chris Brown and Drake got into a brawl at a club in New York City. Rumors are that the pair fought over Rihanna, the robotic yelping machine who has slept with EVERYBODY. Fighting over Rihanna is like fighting over the last burned out curly-fry from an inner-city Arby’s.
Also, someone was beaten up by DRAKE? Look at the guy! Did he beat Brown with his eyebrows (brow beating – nyuck nyuck)?? Being attacked by Drake would be like an attack from a Corinthian leather loveseat.
Apparently Brown was beaten so badly that he could barely post 13,694 times on Twitter. However, he (fortunately?) made sure to post a gory photograph of his chin, which was
slightly cut lacerated by a bottle. I’m sure Brown’s 7 million Twitter followers all sent him well-wishes in the hopes that they can get some of Brown’s 12 inch pencil dick.
Let’s not forget that Brown is the guy who beat up a woman (Rihanna, who probably did deserve it) and then got pissed off when people thought it was wrong (he may have been right to do it). So let’s send Brown our condolences and well-wishes … he deserves it! Poor guy! He deserves better than a common ass-whoopin’.
There are some sights so horrific that you’d never want to see them. For instance, you probably wouldn’t want to see your mother gang-raped by rabid possums. Similarly, you also don’t want to see Snooki’s vagina.
The three-foot tall alcoholic cum rag from Jersey Shore has made an entire living out of being a retarded, drunken slut. Whenever interest wanes in her obnoxious, idiotic behavior, she reflexively does something grotesque in order to maintain her “brand.” Snooki’s last desperate grasp for attention was the conception and birth of an actual human child that will be dependent on her for the rest of its unholy life.
I thought nothing could be more debauched than that. However, Snooki is a media whore that should not be underestimated. To fill the void, we now have leaked pics of her well-worn pussy for the viewing pleasure of the fifteen men who have yet to pound it like a cheap charcoal steak.
You can see the unclean version after the jump. Just put your dick away before you do, you nasty fucker.
First of all, what’s the deal with that pose? I’m guessing that Snooki’s intention was to use her closed legs to (a) hide her beer belly, (b) to make it look like her pussy lips actually touch each other, or (c) both.
Also, how can anybody get inside that stink-hole? Her thighs look like oily 200-pound sausages.
Snooki makes more per day than you or I do in a year, and dogshit outsmarts her. Let that sink in.
You don’t need to agree with this man’s opinions on trash disposal, municipal relations, or women to love his bizarre and confrontational answers to the questions of a female reporter. BRILLIANT!
Madonna’s breasts have been seen by more people than THE SUN. Of course, she used to flash them when she was a perky, 25 year-old sex symbol with a firm body and the muscle development of an actual human female.
Now she’s 53 years old, the mother of two young adults, and has the body of a muscular corpse. And, unfortunately, Madonna has yet to embrace her age in any meaningful way. So she pulled out her tit (the real show starts at the 2:30 mark) and it was caught on amateur video. Oh, thank goodness for that.
Take a look, sicko:
So … you’ve pissed off all of your family and friends and now you’re dying alone. Even though you probably deserve to die alone (you ignorant prick), you don’t have to anymore! Some Japanese artist (of course!) built a robot that comforts dying patients by gently stroking their arm with its plastic hand and speaking to them in the tender tones of a public service announcement.
We have this, but not doctor-assisted suicide??
I can’t walk out of my house without a shirt on because I want to spare my neighbors the sight of sweat pouring out from under my moobs. I’m always startled by overweight pigs running around WalMart with their hog-bellies dangling out from under their shirts. Don’t they have any self-respect? Don’t they have any shame?
I have no idea what possessed this morbidly-obese woman named Lulu to squeeze into a bikini and hoof out onto the stage at America’s Got Talent to show off her non-existent pole dancing skills. Needless to say that the crowd was laughing AT her.
That pole must’ve been made from adamantium, because anything less would’ve buckled under the weight of this incompetent dance routine. I’m not sure what was the worst aspect of this act … the flab, the dirty feet, or the totally non-sexy dance routine.
Shame is not a bad thing sometimes, people. Yikes.
Remember the good old days when agoraphobics (people afraid of going outside) were viewed as FREAKS? Now it seems like the smart thing to do.
Every day seems to bring new and exciting stories about people killing and eating other people. What can I say? Times are tough, unemployment has hit 9%, and people are fleshier and more robust than ever thanks to sodas larger than 16oz.
But this story seems just a tad more bizarre than most of the ones that have come down the pipe since the glory days of Jeffrey Dahmer. This heartwarming tale involves male model Luka Magnotta, who butchered and ate his boyfriend Lin Jun on video before sending various body parts to police departments. YEESH.
Berlin police caught him hanging out in an internet cafe, apparently enjoying his cyber-celebrity while eating a human-flavored bagel and drinking a bloody latte.
Can’t male models just POSE? Do they have to kill and eat people, too?
Richard Dawson, the game-show rapist who presided over Family Feud forever in the seventies and eighties, has finally died. He was 79.
Dawson first came to prominence on the extremely dumb Nazi sitcom Hogan’s Heroes. He then became the host of the popular game show, in which two families competed against each other by guessing the most popular answers to general life questions. Dawson became well-known for groping and making out with the female contestants on camera. Much of my own suave, lady-killing charm came from watching and emulating Dawson on that game show.
Here he is during a memorable moment as a fit of laughter stopped the clock.
Barack Obama was is full George Dubya Bush meltdown mode during a recent speech about how to help the economy. His plan, buy a thingamajig. Well that’s what he said after stuttering his way through his new economic plan. Maybe Dubya wasn’t so stupid after all, maybe the stupidity just comes after years in office. Oh wait, Dubya was stupid from the beginning, wasn’t he? Watch for yourself, doesn’t this kind of remind you of a Bush speech, just a little?
No, that isn’t some suppressed nightmare from your youth – there WAS actually a television show featuring an annoying girl pretending to be a robot slave for a family of bland sitcom characters! The show, SMALL WONDER, was a syndicated television show back in the eighties when television sucked, but at least it wasn’t reality bullshit.
While the little girl who played the robot Vicki went on to become a nurse and a part-time co-host for The 700 Club (nutcase!), little was known about Jerry Supiran, the fat, untalented kid who played Vicki’s human brother Jamie on the show. Until now, that is.
Supiran resurfaced to tell his sob story to the New York Post. It seems that Supiran hooked up with a stripper when he was 18 years old, and the stripper “stole a bunch of money” from him. It happens to everybody, right? Then, one of his financial advisors stole another $500,000 from Supiran.
To support himself, Supiran spent 15 years working in restaurants until two years ago, when he was laid off. Since then, Supiran has been living under a fucking bridge. Here’s what he looks like now:
Frankly, I’m less shocked by the news that Supiran is homeless (he has the talent of a deformed fruit fly) than I am by the fact that the guy made that much money starring in a shitty syndicated television show like SMALL WONDER. The damned thing looked like it was performed in a Fisher Price kitchenette in someone’s backyard and recorded on a POTATO. I’ve seen better visual quality achieved in shadow plays by firelight. Each episode looked like it cost the producers a Twix bar and a used condom. I cannot believe Supiran made that much money with his shrill, irritating voice and fat head on a show that cheap.
Note to Supiran: Dude, you fucking blew the lottery. It isn’t going to get better.