A research study was performed on fish who were put into an aquarium with a glass wall down its middle.

Due to this glass wall, the fish grew up believing they could only swim half way across the aquarium, because if they ever tried to swim further, their little fishie noses would get smashed.

After a few months, the glass wall was removed.

Guess what?

The fish still did not swim to the other side of the aquarium.

We humans, with all our advanced consciousness, are often no better than those fishies.

We grow up with limiting beliefs, which we hold onto... and which then hold us back from getting all we want in our lives.... even if these limiting beliefs are imaginary.

For example.... If youre feeling like youre having a challenging time getting the healthy-love you want, the passionate-successful career you want.... the toned-buff body you want... thats because youre being held back by a leftover glass wall from your childhood... a glass wall which has long been removed, because, hey, that was then, this is NOW.

And NOW is the time to get over your limiting beliefs and get on with living your happiest, most love-filled, most productive life!

On Dec. 17th at 7pm at THE SOHO HOUSE in NYC I will help you do just that... by giving you the information which will lead to your transformation... in my new seminar called: MAKE 2008 YOUR BEST YEAR EVER, DAMMIT!

Be sure to bring your most troublesome problems and lamest excuses for not living the life you desire and deserve - and I will make sure you leave that seminar room empty handed of what's been weighing you down and keeping you back!

BONUS: FREE Moet Chandon Champers will be served .... because, hey, this is not only going to be your best year EVER... but the best seminar youve attended EVER!

UBER-BONUS: I will be picking 1 attendee from the audience to become a regular guest on my Sirius radio show, BE HAPPY DAMMIT. Twice a month for three months, I will coach you at the speed of NOW.... live on the airwaves. You dont even need to come into the studio. You just need to have a clear landline... and a clear headed determination to live the life you want, dammit. Oh, and morning coffee helps... as the show airs 8am to 9am EST!

SEMINAR DAY/TIME: Dec. 17th at 7pm

SEMINAR FEE: $35.00 by paypal up until Dec. 1st $40.00 Dec 1st through Dec. 16th, $45.00 at door

ADDRESS:SOHO HOUSE, 29-35 Ninth Ave (b/w 13th and 14th St)...in New York City, baby!

Click here to go to reserve your seat QUICKLY/EASILY through PAYPAL now! Just seek out the info on the LEFT COLUMN!

Confession time: I once suffered from what I call Prince Harming Syndrome – the tendency to date men who were bully beaus – charismatic guys, who seemed like great catches, until they’d suddenly erupt into a rage, over the smallest of things: an unmade bed, being late by 10 minutes, a difference in movie preferences.

I remember once I was sharing a story about a particular Prince Harming with my girlfriend, Joanie, in a café, when the man at the next table interrupted.

“Excuse me,” this stranger said. “I hope you girls don’t mind, but I must confess I overheard you talking….and well…I’m a psychoanalyst…and I’m worried about you,” he said staring directly at me. “Do you mind if I give you my free therapy opinion?”

“Not at all,” said Joanie, answering for me.

“I have nothing to gain by telling you this,” the anonymous psychoanalyst began. “I don’t want or need your business. But as a psychoanalyst, I cannot help but recognize how this man you’re with is emotionally abusive. He sounds like a classic control freak…with sadistic tendencies… and you, well, you are a classic masochist… since as of right now, you are choosing to stay.”

“Masochist?” I repeated.

I looked at Joanie. She meekishly shrugged.

“But it’s good news, too,” the anonymous psychoanalyst said. “Masochists always have the most hope for change, because masochists always blame themselves. So… search deeply for why you’re with this man, your responsibility for having chosen him…and get out while you can!” He then grabbed his brown leather briefcase, and whisked out of the café – like some masked psychoanalyst avenger.

I felt both horrified and validated. My Prince Harming had been assessed by a professional to be a sadistic control freak.

And me? I still had yet to figure out why had I chosen him.

In my mind I wasn’t a masochist. I’d been tricked. The way advertisers use “bait and switch” my Prince Harming had employed “date and switch.” He truly did start out so nice.

“You really should end this dysfunctional relationship,” Joanie urged me. “Trust me. You’ll meet and marry a great guy soon enough. You’ve just got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.”

“I accept that,” I told her. “It’s just the pigs, dogs and jacka---‘s I mind kissing.”

We laughed heartily at the time. But sure enough, within 24 hours, this Prince Harming again erupted at me – calling me a “c---t” in front of his daughter – a sweet 8 year old little girl.

At that point, I finally had the clarity of mind to leave.

I recognized, however, just because this man was no longer in my life, it didn’t mean my masochistic dating tendencies had left too. I needed to do some serious self-exploration, and understand why I had this urge to go towards these fiery-tempered men, rather than run from.

Although I’ve since -- thankfully -- with effort – broken free from my Prince Harming Syndrome, I continue to hear many tales of Prince Harmings from my girlfriends.

Indeed, in the last few weeks I’ve heard four Prince Harming tales.

SInce I empathise so greatly -- having “been there, dated that!” today I wanted to write something to help.

If you’re a woman who’s presently involved with A Prince Harming, here are some important things to keep in mind.


1. Did you have a parent with a bad temper? If so, you’re experiencing what Freud called Repetition Compulsion. Your past is sneaking into your present. You accept being shrieked at as being “normal” – when it’s not. Some part of you from childhood feels “you’re bad” and deserves anger as a ritualistic behavior. Well, I’m here to tell you, the time has come to stop these anger rituals! Nothing in your past is in your physical reality now making you do anything you don’t choose to do. You are NOT your past history! You are NOT your past failures! You are NOT how others have at one time treated you! You are ONLY who you THINK you are now in this moment.You are ONLY what you DO now in this moment.


2. Are you hooked into pain because of low self esteem? Perhaps you feel like you don’t deserve healthy love because of your weight, career, etc. If so…you must either improve your weight, career, etc – or change your view of these things. Start loving yourself -- flaws and all. Focus on what makes you hot stuff! You’re funny, kind, generous, a great kisser! A guy should be so lucky as to be with you! The stronger your self-beliefs that you deserve healthy love, the more you will conquer and attract!


3. Have you stopped being a hopeless romantic – and now think romance is hopeless? Have you lowered your “dating bar” so low, low, low, that now only the slimiest reptilean snake-y guys are wiggling through? If so, the time has come to raise that bar -- by surrounding yourself with friends and family who are in healthy, loving relationships, so you’re constantly reminded “good love” is out there – and so you know what it looks, sounds, feels, and quacks like!


4. Are your values off-kilter, and you care more about money and good looks, than you do about your self esteem and happiness? As my good girlfriend Khatun once quipped. “Every a----hole has their silver lining!” Sure enough, Prince Harmings are usually very appealing on lots of levels -- which distracts us gals from the very fact that they are indeed toxic. You must remind yourself: the #1 reason to merge your life with a man is that he makes you feel happier – not more anxious and depressed. You must also remind yourself of your top values for a man. Write a list – and on it should be: even-tempered, kind-hearted, gentle, a good listener, a compromiser etc. Also write down how you’d feel being with this type of man (relaxed, safe, content, happy, etc.) Keep these lists with you in your wallet – and make them priorities.


5. Are you an “enterpainer”? Are you used to entertaining everyone with your tales of drama and conflict? If so, Carl Jung believes that’s because we humans need meaning/purpose in our lives – a central drive to feel our lives are important. If we cannot feel that passion in a “high level quest” (ie healthy, fabulous love, a passionate career etc) then we go to Plan B -- seek a “low level quest” ( ie Prince Harming Syndrome – which makes us feel important every time we complain about how awful this man is – and get such strong reactions from people.) Listen up! The time has come to stop settling for “low level quests” – and seek positive passion and purpose for yourself!


6. Do you keep telling yourself it’s not 3 strikes and Prince Harming is out – it’s 3,452,103 strikes and he’s out? Are you rationalizing staying in this harmful relationship longer and longer, because you’re more afraid of the pain of “temporary solitude” than the pain of abuse? If so, you must accept that when you break up, there will be a temporary period of aloneness. But “temporary” is the key word. Decide now that you will use your “temporary” alone time to do all the things you’re putting off doing. Take a class. Join a club. Spoil yourself with bubble baths, flowers, massages, pedicures. At night before bedtime, do a Mental Rental: envision your ideal man coming towards you. And remember – the Law Of Attraction can’t work – until you’ve practiced The Law Of Subtraction – and rid yourself of that Prince Harming!


7. Are you afraid to break up with your Prince Harming because you’ll feel like another broken relationship is a failure. If so, re-frame this as a success story. From hereonin you will not be dating Prince Harmings! Make this ending stand for your brand new beginning! Every time you find yourself missing your Prince Harming’s silver lining, repeat the word “Forward!” Remind yourself you’re moving forward away from this self-hurting tendency.

Remember, in life change is something which just sort of happens.

But progress is a choice – your choice!

If you know of someone who suffers from Prince Harming Syndrome, please alert them to this blog post!

I don't know about you, but I think it's a miraculous work week if I can slash it down to only 40 hours - let alone 4 hours!

Tim Ferriss, however, has written a NY Times best selling book which gives some truly helpful pointers on how to cut your work week down to a mere size 4 hours -- an empowering book called THE FOUR HOUR WORK WEEK.

How does Tim suggest you do it?

You can listen in to these 2 quickie ten minute cliffnote audio segments -- which sum up Tim's tips - right from Tim's mouth to your computer - because Tim was one of my terrific guests this week, on my Sirius show, BE HAPPY DAMMIT.

FYI: Tim obviously knows how to have a 4 hour week, since he's ONLY 29 years old and ALSO a serial entrepreneur, speaks six languages, runs a multinational firm from wireless locations worldwide, been a world-record holder in tango, a national champion in Chinese kickboxing, and an actor on a hit television series in Hong Kong.

 

Part 1:

or download the Podcast (.mp3)

Part 2:

or download the Podcast (.mp3)

I'm back from THE TODAY SHOW. For those who missed the segment on "CLEAVAGE IN THE WORKPLACE," Donny Deutsche unbuttoned his shirt to test out what kind of distraction it would be for Meredith and me to see his cleavage -- and well, to be honest, it was distracting -- because he's got a nice set of pecs, that Donny!

As a result I now have "cleavage empathy" for all the men in the workplace who have to be surrounded by busty business babes. It IS hard to concentrate around naked skin!

On a serious note... I received a lot of interesting and supportive emails from you all last night, helping to get me primed for today's show - and I appreciate ALL of them! Thank you, thank you! I really do love it when you write to me (karen@notsalmon.com). As a writer when you write a book/newsletter, it's like wondering if trees falling in the forest when nobody is there to hear them make any noise. In my office in front of my computer ratatatating away, I don't get to hear the "noise" I make with my finished my product. When you write to me, I get to hear the noise! And I love hearing how much you're on the same page -- or different page - from the pages I write! So keep those emails coming!

BONUS BLOG INFO:

While preparing for THE TODAY SHOW, I found some very interesting studies -- about the power of attractiveness in general at the office -- which wasn't 100% on topic this morning, but on a pertinent tangeant.

In one study, Yale psychologist Marianne LaFrance found that medium-length hair on a woman was researched to be the best for communicating "intelligence" at the workplace. Hair which was too long and sexy made women look less smart and professional. Ditto for hair which was too short and boyish.

In another study by the Federal Reserve Bank of St. Louis, researchers found that there's a "pretty premium" - with beautiful people tending to earn 5% more an hour than "their less comely colleagues." Plus, another study also showed that the wage differential for obesity seems to be limited to "white women." Of this group, those considered "obese" in terms of their body mass index (BMI) in both 1981 and 1988 earned 17% less than women within their recommended BMI range!

Although men don't let weight or hair weigh them down on their rise up that career ladder, their height can stop them from reaching up as far as they'd like. Economists have also discovered a "height premium" among white men, with a 1.8% increase in wages for every additional inch of height over the national median.

In a word: yeesh!

I guess we live in a world which is very much about "packaging." Many people only look at the packaging of others, rather than what's inside. And in today's speedy world, snap judgments are probably getting even quicker than ever.

The lesson learned: It's up to you to decide how you want to harness the above research studies, but recognize unfair or not -- and it IS more UNFAIR than not -- how you package yourself at the office will have an influence on how others view you.

Feel free to express your views on all "these superficiality rewards and penalities" below....

This Monday morning -- Oct. 29th -- at 8am I will be on THE TODAY SHOW – talking with Donny Deutsche and Meredith Vieira – about cleavage in the workplace.

The question posed: What are the rules and regulations for bringing a loaded cleavage into the office with you?

First, let me state up front that I think it’s an evolutionary step forward for all of womankind that we business women can now dress at least somewhat femininely at the office.

As recently as a mere decade ago, a woman used to feel that to succeed in business she had to imitate men – and even more foolishly imitate stupid, obnoxious men – and even more foolishly, a woman even thought she had to dress like a man to succeed.

Personally, I’ve never believed a woman has to make a choice:

1. feminine

2. successful

Pick only one of the above.

I’ve always been a believer that a woman should be her full feminine self at the office.

I’m into what I call “feminine-ism” – which unlike hardcore feminism – is about being feminine and powerful both - in one tasty spoonful.

But -- with that said -- I also think there’s a definite moderation point with cleavage -- a balance between dressing-like-a-man-in-drag and dressing like a stripper!

A business woman must keep in mind that too much exposed boobage can swing back around and kick her in the butt.

Basically, at a certain point exposed cleavage stops making a woman more appealing and persuasive – and starts detracting and distracting from her professionalism.

Of course there’s more freedom of cleavage expression depending upon the business you are in. Creative fields – like advertising, fashion, pr – tend to be more liberal in their views of cleavage – and how much cleavage should be liberally viewed. Law firms, poltical fields, and financial offices are more conservative.

The general rule across the board: Dress for the people who pay you! Humans are attracted to familiars -- people who remind them of themselves. There's even a word for this psychological tendency: mimesis. So, mirror your employer’s dress-code needs -- while still having a dash of your own self-expression.

Emphasis on dash – not FLASH! You can’t be flashing those boobs all over the place if you want to be taken seriously.

And let’s be honest here! Chances are you know in your heart – right beneath that cleavage – if you’re overexposing yourself.

It’s like pornography versus art.You know the difference when you see it. Well, if you’re honest with yourself, you know the difference between pornographic cleavage at the office – and artistic cleavage at the office.

And if you don’t feel you do, then keep the following in mind: “the medium cleavage is the best message.”

And this is actually scientifically researched – at the University of Central Florida – where researchers put together a study to discover the affect of a woman’s cleavage on people.

They videotaped the same actress giving the same speech – each time with a different breast size and cleavage exposure… ranging from A to D. Participants then viewed one of the A, B, C or D cup-sized videos and rated the actress on her professionalism. The majority of males perceived the actress to be most professional when she had a medium cup breast size -- whereas females were generally not influenced by the actress’ breast size at all.

Another interesting highlight from this Central Florida study -- the actress herself had different reactions to her own blossoming bosom.

As her cup-size began to runneth over, the actress felt more self-conscious about her breasts - and thereby more worried about her performance.

So if you’re a woman who’s showing too much cleavage, you might not only be creating a dizzying affect on the people around you, but on yourself – because you might make yourself extra self-conscious.

Ok… So what is the lesson to be learned?

I think flaunting too much cleavage at the office can often be about over-compensating – trying to make up for some needed self-confidence in other aspects of insecurity in professional life.

Basically, many women who expose their cleavage are trying to accentuate their positives -- in hopes of distracting from their negatives.

THE BIG IRONY: If you look like you're trying too hard -- you will be perceived as less confident and thereby be taken less seriously and be less liked.

However -- if dressing a bit on the sexy side is your natural personality -- your authentic self – you probably will be able to get away with showing a little skin -- because people will sense you feel comfortable in your skin.

Oh...and one last point. The TODAY SHOW producer told me that in their man and woman on the street interviews on this subject, some of the women expressed anger at women who show cleavage at the office.

I thought this was interesting -- and in thinking about it, I understand that reaction a bit. I think we business women feel stressed out as it is, trying to make it in what for the most part is still a man’s business world. And I think the business environment gets even more stressful for a woman, when she worries the office reward system includes a beauty pageant bikini contest.

The world of business should be about rewarding a women fairly for talent, productivity and discipline – not by how she looks in a sweater.

The good news: In today's post-Sex In The City World, we women can dress more casually and femininely at the office -- instead of like men-in-drag. The bad news -- some women are out there abusing their cleavage power in hopes of influencing key men with decision making power.

So... if you're a business woman reading this newsletter -- remember -- cleavage IS power – and you must be aware of using your cleavage power responsibly!

Have you ever noticed how being around nutsy/negative people can make you feel nutsy/negative?

Psychologists call this “emotional contagion” – and there’s even evolutionary reasons for why someone else’s curmudgeonly ways can infect you.

“The original form is the contagion of fear and alarm,” said Frans de Waal, a psychologist and primate expert at Atlanta’s Emory University. “You’re in a flock of birds. One bird suddenly takes off. You have no time to wait and see what’s going on. You take off, too. Otherwise, you’re lunch.”

Translation: Getting caught up in another’s negativity is a hard-wired survival mechanism.

“I have often noticed how primate groups in their entirety enter a similar mood,” de Waal said. “All of a sudden, all of them are playful, hopping around. Or all of them are grumpy. Or all of them are sleepy and settle down. In such cases, the mood contagion serves the function of synchronizing activities. The individual who doesn’t stay in tune with what everyone is doing will lose out, like the traveler who didn’t go the restroom when the bus stopped.”

Translation: Contagion theory of happiness also explains the powerful energy of “mob mentality” and why there’s a tendency for groups of people in a movie theater or concert to share a similar feeling for the move or concert.

Plus psychologists believe that “the contagion theory of happiness” is yet another form of our hard-wired mimicry we humans do – our instinctive human tendency to unconsciously imitate other people’s facial expressions, vocalizations, postures, and body movements.

For example, if someone scratches their nose, you might suddenly feel your nostrils twitch. Or if someone yawns and stretches and gets sleepy, you might yawn and feel more tired too.

Indeed, mimicry is such a strong foundation of our human emotional development that even at a mere 1-hour old, a newborn infant will be hard-wired to mimic a person's facial gestures.

Hence why you can smile at 1-hour old baby, and this 1-hour old baby will smile back!

Translation: Our built-in human system for mimicry, explains why we humans can transfer our good and bad moods to each other.

Recently The Journal of Applied Psychology offered up a study which showed the downer effects of a downer leader on a group. They took 189 volunteer undergraduates, divided them into 63 groups of 3, and told them they were taking part in a team-building exercise to put up a tent. Then a “leader” was chosen for each team, and shown either of video clip of a “Saturday Night Live” skits or a vignette on torture — to create either a positive/up beat mood or a negative/downer mood.

The result: If a leader was up, the team members’ moods rose. But if the leader was down, everyone became down.

Numerous other studies have also shown how when one person in a romantic coupling gets depressed, the other also becomes more depressed.

Psychologists believe this transfer of emotions is yet another form of empathy.

In London’s University College, psychologist Tonia Singer and colleagues used brain scans to explore empathy in 19 romantic couples. She hooked both individuals to brain scans. One partner in the couple was given a slight electric shock while the other partner watched. Each of their scans showed identical brain reactions. Although only one partner was shocked, both of the partner’s pain center lighted up - as if both had been jolted.

On a more happy note… Howard Friedman, a psychologist at University of California at Irvine thinks “emotional contagion” this is also why some people can move and inspire others to positive action – like a good coach or a powerful preacher – or a joyous/exuberant partner in a romantic coupling.

Friedman believes it’s because the happy person’s happy facial expression, happy voice, happy gestures and happy body movements all together conspire to transmit happy emotions to all those around the happy person!

YOUR ASSIGMENT: Today decide to be a HAPPINESS TRANSMITTER! Choose to be a happier person – and spread happiness around you. And choose to surround yourself more with happy people. With this in mind, think of a happy person you know, and invite them to do something fun with you. And...with this in mind, join my facebook group called “I BET I CAN FIND 1,000,000 HAPPY PEOPLE!”

Psssst...want to know a big secret for happiness?

Start having less secrets!

The more truthful you become with others about who you really are - and what you need and fear -- the happier you will become!

Laurie Gerber, a coach with the Handel Group, talked with me about how to truth your way to happiness on my Sirius show last week. She explained it like this: "If right now you are not telling someone the truth about a particular something, and you think you're being dishonest to spare their feelings, chances are you're being dishonest with yourself! Most people would rather know the truth. Most people would rather know they have spinach in their teeth - or the equivalent thereof in their life! The real meanness is in not being honest with people."

So, what are people honestly afraid of when they're afraid of speaking truthfully?

TRUE INTIMACY!

When you have gut honest conversations with people, you will always increase your intimacy with them. Sure you risk vulnerability -- but you also gain the opportunity for a closer bond!

"Being fake is not only exhausting behavior to keep up," says Laurie Gerber, "being fake is also lonely. It means nobody will ever get to know the real you!"

Another perk to truth-speaking: When you hear your truth out loud about your own secret behaviors, you wind up wanting to work harder to correct these behaviors which you're not proud of in your life!

Here are some pointers from Laurie Gerber on how to start speaking the truth more today:


1. If you're planning to tell someone the truth about how you feel about their behaviors, start with the premise that your POV is relative. Your truth about them is not necessarily THE truth.

2. If you're planning to open up about a secret part of your life, ask yourself why you've been hiding what you've been hiding. Write about this in a journal freely. It might help you to talk more honestly, if you've had a gut honest conversation with yourself first.

3. In either situation #1 or #2, when you go to have the gut truthful conversation, make sure enough time and full attention has been set aside. Set the context. Before you start blurting, tell the person up front that you want to share your experience or perception of something with them -- to bounce it around and hear their perspective. Tell them that you care about your relationship -- and that's why you are committed to speaking truthfully with them. For example you can say: "I am sorry I have not communicated this until now -- but I want to tell you how I feel about (fill in the blank)." Or.. "When I did (fill in the blank) or you did (fill in the blank) what it meant to me was (fill in the blank)." Or... "I have been hiding from asking you about (fill in the blank) -- or telling you the truth about (fill in the blank) because I am afraid if I bring it up you will think/feel (fill in the blank)."


Now go forth and be truthful today. You'll literally feel very happy that you did!

(You can hear A FREE PODCAST of my conversation with Laurie Gerber on BE HAPPY DAMMIT by clicking here!)

I'm a curious person. I've always enjoyed talking with taxi drivers and strangers on airplanes. One of my big beliefs in life is that you never know where you'll get your life changing insights. Even a jerk can teach you things. In fact... often it's your tormentors - more than your mentors - who teach you those biggie lessons you remember for life.

For example: "Yo! Nothing is ever as good - or as bad - as it first appears!"

Unfortunately both "Part A" and "Part B" of the above got drilled into my neurons far more from my tormentors than my mentors.

The good news... if you stay curious about this curvy, twisty, chaotic thing called life -- and keep your eyes open for insights - they will come from surprising places and unexpected people.

Once I was seated on an airplane next to a man who told me they were passionate about gardening.

"What's a super good gardening tip for me?" I asked curiously (although the only thing I'd ever grown in my life was an occasional onion in my vegetable drawer.)

"My number one gardening tip," said the man, "is to recognize that some plants and flowers are only meant to live a certain amount of time -- for a certain season -- and if you try to make them live longer, you will be a bad gardener."

Wow. What he said rang true for me about a business relationship I was in at the time which I needed to get out of. It was interesting how "the zen of gardening" also applied to "the zen of relationships."

The man went on to add, "Also, different plants have different needs for sunshine and water. Some need very little sunlight - thrive best in darkness - with only a little moisture. Others need a lot of light and feeding. Different plants all have different needs and speeds for growth. You must really know what each individual plant needs - and not treat them all the same."

Again I felt that Wow. This "zen of gardening" also applied to "the zen of relationships." It's always essential to get a pulse on an individuals needs -- read their instruction manuals very carefully!

Because I never know where "zen wisdom" might come from, I'm always open to having conversations with strangers. At parties, I especially love to have conversations with people who at first glance have nothing in common with me.

Your assisgnment:

Become a more curious person. During times of crises, get curious about the lesson to be learned!

During times of boredom in taxis, planes, and trains start a conversation.

You never know. Next time you're waiting in a long movie line, and start talking with the people in front of you -- the conversation you share with these strangers, might turn out to be more exciting and entertaining than the movie you're waiting to see.

Do you keep threatening to pursue your truest passions – but can't seem to find the time, energy and courage to motivate?

I relate. Truly! I wasn't always a full-time writer. Over a decade ago I was a Sr. Vice President Creative Director in advertising, who was always threatening to quit my high-paying, high-stressing low-free-time job to pursue my passion for writing.

But I was like the girl who cried wolf. Always saying I was gonna quit—but not doing it.

Admittedly there was a huge part of me that was afraid.

Not just about the money angle. I was afraid to let go of a lovely fantasy about a parallel universe in which I existed as "Happy-Go-Lucky Author Girl."

I was afraid to potentially risk giving up this fantasy – in case my fantasy didn't come true.

Chogyam Trungpa wrote: "True fearlessness is not the reduction of fear; but going BEYOND fear…by fear-less we don't mean 'less fear' but 'beyond fear.'"

I knew I needed to get to this beyond-fear place – and here's how I did it.

You know how it's easier to walk a plank that's on solid ground, instead of one that's plunked above an alligator-infested lagoon -- because the fear of those yapping hungry alligators makes you less focused on what you desire?

The same is true with your career. You must avoid staring at your metaphorical-alligators, and instead stay focused on your supporting plank, which in careerland is composed of two strong fibers:

(1)Your confidence -- what you know you have going for you

(2) Your passion -- what know you really want

When I finally did quit my ad career, it was because I finally stopped staring at my metaphorical-alligators – which for me were:

"I'll never be a published book author! Heck, I've never even written one itty bitty magazine piece! Geez, what will I do for income if I fail – afterall, I have a child to support… MYSELF!"

Instead I focused on my supporting plank:

my confidence (in my writing-skills, discipline, persistence, resilience, optimism, meeting people, learning quickly, following-through) and my passion (my excitement to be a writer in a BIGtime way!)

YOUR ASSIGNMENT:

If you're stuck in a job you hate it's probably because you're staring at your metaphorical-alligators. Today re-focus on your supporting plank. Make a list of your areas of high self esteem and reasons for high passion. Whenever fear strikes, strike back with these lists!

Want to whip your career into submission? Clickeroo here...

CONFESSION: There have been many times in my life that I’ve felt like an honorary member of the WHAT WAS I THINKING CLUB.

But instead of spending time regretting, regretting, regretting mistakes… I've always consciously decided to make sure I am getting, getting, getting lucky lessons to be learned.

Basically, I convince myself to view every "failure" as "fullure" - FULL of helpful new insights to be learned.

How about you?

When you feel like you've made a WHAT WAS I THINKING blunder, how much do you torture yourself thereafter?

I'm here today to remind you: Yo! Regret is pain RELIVED, instead of pain RELIEVED. You gotta learn your lesson, then move on!

Which brings me to an Inspiring Quickie Buddhist Tale...

A man was wandering in the desert and got bitten by a poisonous snake. Immediately, he started to regret taking this trip into the desert. He regretted not taking a different route. He regretted not looking down at the ground more as he walked.Meanwhile the helpful antidote formula to cure him of snake- poison bites remained in his knapsack …unused. He became so caught up in his regret that he didn’t have the clear-headedness to take positive action to remedy his problem. Indeed, he was so caught up in his regret, that yet another snake came along -- and so he got bitten twice – doubling the poison in his system. He died. End of story.

THE LESSON TO BE LEARNED: If you’ve recently been bitten by a Big Life Problem, your locus of focus should be 20% thinking about your problem, 80% thinking about your solution.

You must make the choice to become positively proactive, not negatively reactive.

Peacefulness of mind is a bigtime power.

Thinking thoughts about regret, blame, anger, and resentment will only create chaotic static in your head that will stop you from seeing clearly how to move forward productively.

So...today, right now, take inventory of all the events you regret and the people you resent…and consciously decide to forgive and forget -- both yourself and others.

BONUS BENEFIT: When you train your brain to consistently be more loving in its "thought-content," you not only become more focused and productive, you'll find you also wind up attracting more positive people and positive circumstances towards you!

Want more lessons to lessen pain and increase joy? Clickeroo here!

Did you know Roseanne Barr won The Eleanor Roosevelt Award and The Peabody Award -- and all kinds of humanitarian awards?

I met Roseanne Barr last week when she came on my daily drivetime Sirius radio show,BE HAPPY DAMMIT -- and she warmly shared some interesting happiness tips.

Firstly, Roseanne feels the world creates too many divides between different groups of people -- men vs. women -- white vs. black -- gay vs. straight -- which only creates a sense of further separation from each other as people on this planet.

She also candidly talked about how meditation has personally helped her to stay more focused, calm, happy- and in touch with her core self.

I'm a big believer in meditation -- and so are researchers at U of Penn who found that after assigning folks 1 month of 30 minutes worth of meditation a day, participants had greater improvement in problem-solving and their ability to quickly and accurately move and focus attention.

I often recommend meditation to stressed-out clients. However, many folks claim they're not very good at meditating... and trying to do something they're not good at ironically makes them even more stressed-out.

So here's an easy exercise that will give you the same benefits of meditation: blow up a balloon. It taps into the same breathing and concentration methods as meditation. Simply blow into a balloon with 3 breaths, for a total of 3 seconds. Hold the balloon's little tail, so it doesn't leak out the air. Then, catch your breath in 3 breaths, for a total of about 3 seconds. Return to the balloon, and blow again for three seconds. Repeat until you've blown up the entire balloon. Then go do your work -- and blow away your competition.
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You can hear the full/fun Sirius interview for FREE by clicking here.

Do you suffer from WHAT-YOU-SEE-SICKNESS?

Are you always comparing your outsides to other people's outsides – and thereby getting jealous that others might have more than you?

If so, keep in mind:

1. The grass is always greener on the other side – until you get there and find out it's astroturf. Symbols are not reality. Someone might have amassed material success, but this doesn't mean that they are truly happy. And happiness is the holy grail – not material success. So, don't go judging a person's book of their life by their cover. You must read at least 127 pages of "THE BOOK OF WHO SOMEONE REALLY REALLY IS" to know where that person is truly at. (Remember: there are many successful people – aka Marilyn Monroe – who seemed to have had it made, but were coming undone.)

2. You can't have everything in this world. You just have to make sure you have the right something for you. Each of us has our own unique gift – and your gift is not a one-size-fits-all. No one of us is on the same path.

3. Feeling competitive can sidetrack you – as a unique individual – with your own personalized monogrammed long-term goals – from pursuing what you must pursue.

4. Don't compete with others. Compete with yourself. Ask yourself: "How can you improve your skillsets and thereby improve your cockiness – so you can shhhhhusssh your near-sighted-not-very-clear-sighted jealous mind?" Remember: Anything you can do you can do better!

5. Overnight success never happens overnight. But the universe's delays are not the universe's denials. Envision what you want as being stuck on a delivery truck – just a wee bit stuck in traffic – but coming towards you right now - maybe even a week from next Tuesday!

In my book BALLSY, I warn up front that the world is constantly changing - so don’t forget to change with it!

If you want to enjoy a career of extreme success, you must always be asking yourself: Due to all the technological and social change out there, are there now new materials, new fears, new problems, new needs, new desires -- all of which are creating new demands for new widgets and new services?

In summary: Your widget or service might be good… but in this speedily shifting world, good has a very, very short expiration date.

But there's some good news behind all this speedy change. Soon the world will be offering up some very exciting career options.

For example, here are 10 new job options for 2020, predicted by futurist Josh Calder, leader of the Global Lifestyles program at Social Technologies LLC, a research and consulting firm.

1. E-scrubber--Works to undo or minimize the indiscretions that people accumulate on the Web.
2. Deceptionist--Provides tech-enabled deception services for those wishing to disguise their activities.
3. Unrealtor--Creates virtual tourism, adventure, and retail destinations.
4. Realizer--Creates real versions of virtual objects for people, from grog tankards to sports cars.
5. Nano-decontaminator--Cleans up nanomaterials now being spread through the environment.
6. Genetic dietician--Creates diets tailored to people's individual genetic makeup.
7. Geoscaper--Makes corporate and private properties look attractive in Google Earth-style aerial views.
8. Eye pilot--Operates small, remotely piloted, camera-equipped aerial vehicles over war zones, disasters, and other locations of interest on behalf of news services, nongovernmental organizations, and private companies.
9. Sexbot controller--Many things can be done remotely. Not for the squeamish.
10. Unplugger--Counselor/mental health professional who helps wean people from excessive technology use.

I find some of what Calder lists to sound a wee bit like science fiction. And some of it to sound like job necessities for 2007. But what all these positions share in common are larger trends for transparency, virtualization, and outsourcing. And if you study his list further, you'll see that most of Calder's job listings involve new ways to manage information -- which is becoming more and more central to more and more careers.

The above sounds good, huh?

But I got one better.

How would you like to convince triple the people to do and believe in whatever you want?

Brian Clark, creator of copyblogger.com, calls this the difference between being persuasive (good) and being truly influential (very, very, very good).

Brian obviously knows about being influential, because his blog is one of the top 40 in the world, according to Technorati.

Brian shared his tips on becoming a more influential blogger on my morning Sirius show BE HAPPY DAMMIT. I found what he said so spot-on, I wanted to share it in this forum, as well.

Below are my Karenesque speedy cliffnotes from Brian Clark. For the whole enchillado, definitely visit him at copyblogger.com.

QUICKY CLIFFNOTES FROM COPYBLOGGER.COM ON HOW TO CONVINCE TRIPLE THE PEOPLE TO DO AND BELIEVE IN WHATEVER YOU WANT:

1. Repetition

Brian warns that there’s both a good and evil side to repetition. To stay on the side of good, make your point in several ways. For example -- use an example. Or offer up a quote from a famous person. And repeat again in your grand finale summary.

2. Reasons Why

Brian reminds how we humans don’t like to be told things or asked to take action without a reasonable explanation.

3. Consistency

Brian reminds consistency implies high integrity. The lack of it infers instability and flightiness. So get your reader to agree with you up front about something simple, then keep making a strong and varied case.

4. Social Proof

Humans love to witness as many others hopping on the bandwagon before they go a-hopping. Hence testimonials and outside referrals work.

5. Comparisons

Metaphors, similes and analogies are according to Brian the influential blogger’s best friends.

6. Agitate and Solve

First, identify the problem. Then agitate the reader’s pain before offering your solution. Brian explains this is not about being sadistic - but empathic. Let the reader know you “get” them.

7. Prognosticate

Offer your reader a glimpse into their new, improved future if they go bandwagon a-hopping with you.

8. Go Tribal

Give someone a chance to be a part of a “cool” group — be that wealthy, hip, green, or even contrarian—and they’ll go bandwagon a-hopping!

9. Address Objections

Brian admits addressing every objection is tough. But your biggest arguments should be obvious. He also warns that if you think there are no objections, you’re in for a shock if your blog’s comments enabled.

10. Storytelling

Stories allow people to persuade themselves -- and that’s what it’s really all about.

MTV hired Andy Hines of Social Technologies to research what makes US youth (age 12–24) happy.

Last week I interviewed Andy on my daily drivetime Sirius show BE HAPPY DAMMIT, and Andy admitted he was shocked by some of what was revealed.

In particular Andy predicted today's MTV generation would be more annoyed with their “helicopter parents” than they actually wound up being.

Here are some of his surprising stats:

78% of today's kids say that talking with family members made them feel frequently or occasionally happier.

73% of kids say that their relationship with their parents makes them happy.

80% of those who say they are “very happy” with their parents say they are also happier with life in general.

Nearly half of the respondents say at least one of their parents is a hero.

73% say that their parents are involved in their lives about the right amount.

Shocking, huh -- how today's youth -- who seem so overly concerned with being cool -- and also seem like cynicism is uber-cool -- would then fess up how spending time with family is a cool thing to do...!

"Hardly the stuff of rebels!" admits Andy.

Indeed, kids today seem to adore their parents so much, they also fess up to looking forward to getting married - and are even optimistic about marriage.

90% say they think it is likely that they will be married to the same person their whole life.

85% say they believe getting married will make them happy.

Other than family, Hines says the 3 other big happiness boosters were friendship, faith, and technology.

Which brings me to another surprising stat: kids "chill out" differently than adults.

I fess up that I find it relaxing to turn off my damn cellphone for a few hours.

Not so with kids.

For them a popular definition of "unhappiness" is "being without technology" -- with 46% of today's kids saying that they NEVER turn off their cell phone when they choose to chill out -- that would only stress them out MORE.

For more on this research study listen to the interview on my posted podcast.

Want to make a special tween in your life happy? Check out my tween empowerment book, GIRL WONDERS.

There's a huge trend these days for networking up a storm. And with this cultural encouragement to amass more people in your life -- you can a-miss the whole point of amassing.

In other words, the original goal of networking is: "Meet people who will make your life a happier and more fulfilling place."

However…if you’re always spending time amassing new people and creating a quantity of non-quality relationships, it can ironically mean you're not taking the necessary time to enjoy the happiness and fulfillment readily found with the treasured people you already know and love.

Think about it.

Do you have have a network of truly amazing people whom you never get to see – because you’re putting too much emphasis on networking to meet a quantity of people?

Are you caught up in signing up for the slew of popular social networking sites -- which are all about "collecting a quantity of people"?

If so you might be suspect for being too caught up in this mass trend for amassing people!

And if so, you're a sufferer of what Nobel Prize winner Daniel Kahneman calls "The Happiness Hedonic Treadmill" – which is fancy shmancy words for how we humans have a tendency to always want more, more, MORE! And as soon as we humans snag a precious something, we’re quickly reaching for another prized out-of-reach something – and no longer appreciative of the just-snagged something, laying in a discarded heap at our feet.

This Happiness Hedonic Treadmill is why lottery winners often return to their former levels of happiness within a year of snagging their gazillions.

And it’s why you might not be feeling so happy right now in your life.

Perhaps you’re being too focused on all those distant dangling carrots on the horizon, rather than appreciating the carrots you’ve harvested -- and in particular appreciating all those Acres of Diamonds People you've already amassed in your own backyard.

Keep in mind: Consistently happiness researchers report that being surrounded by people you sincerely care about is the top essential determinant for joy! Hence it's important to make sure you're not spending more time networking with strangers and creating superficial relationships, than you are enjoying your Backyard Diamonds People! Ignore your treasured relationships for too long and they will eventually turn to cold coal!

YOUR ASSIGNMENT:

Today decide to shed more of a light of appreciation on your treasured Backyard People Diamonds. Look through your contact book. Remember what you love about each individual, then write them or call them to share your admiration directly. Do it now. Seize the day, dammit.

And you know what? Don’t just do it today. Also do it tomorrow.

It’s not enough just to seize the-every-other-day. Or to seize-the-every-third-day. Seize your every single solitary day – and make sure you're not spending your days solitarily in a crowded room networking and amassing superficial relationships!

My father, Rubin Salmansohn, passed this morning at 8:55 am.

So much to feel, so much to say, where do I begin?

How about with an old proverb I once shared with my father: "Everything that is not given, is lost."

I sent this proverb to my father back in 1996. It topped a few extra paragraphs -- all filling a page torn from a book who's name I no longer remember.

My father saved this book's page clipping in its post-marked envelope. My mother returned it to me recently, and it seemed fitting to quote this clipping now, at his passing -- since its message is so invaluable for how we should all be leading our lives.

THE CLIPPING I SENT MY FATHER IN 1996...

"Everything that is not given, is lost."

Read those words again - and really take them in.

"Everything that is not given is lost."

This is a potent wake-up call.

Because we are mortal, every talent, skill, ability we possess, every thought and feeling we ever have, every beautiful sight we ever see, every material possession we own, will ultimately be lost.

UNLESS WE SHARE IT.

Unless we give what we have to others - to our spouse, our children, our friends, our neighbors - to the strangers we encounter on our path - what we know and value will be irrevocably and utterly gone.

BUT...

If we give freely of our minds, hearts, spirits - who we are - then what matters most to us will never die - but will live forever in the psyches of not only all those who know us - but everyone who encounters them - and then everyone who encounters those who knew them - in an infinite regression of mysteriously unseen effect.

That's why the metaphor of the a pebble in a pond is so potent.

We toss the pebble of our soul into the pond of life and ripples are created.

If we hoard ourselves - our gifts, our talents, our love, our thoughts, our feelings, our insights, our words - we will make a very little splash and the ripples will soon end.

But if we give fully, with abandon and abundance, the ripples go out infinitely, overlapping and intermingling with other souls.

Viewed this way...what kind of ripple do you want to be?

I have a wait problem. I hate to wait. When I want something, I want it NOW.

My wait problem also applies to my need to lose weight problem.

When I want to lose weight, I want to lose it NOW.

But how?

I've discovered a method which speedily quickens up results -- and I'd love to share it with you!

I've created A NEW VOCABULARY MENU -- where I have changed the words I allow to enter and exit my mouth. In other words...I'm now firstly on a special Word Diet – beginning with banning the word “diet” -- because if you really want to get slim and healthier, you're not “on” a diet -- which implies going "off" the diet at some point. In fact, the word diet has a lot of negative associations. I hear that word and think: "LOTS OF PAIN AHEAD!"

So I renamed the healthier eating I'm doing as “DO IT PROGRAM" -- not a diet program -- because I'm really “doing it” -- and this new vocabulary feels more fun and inspiring!

Another word on MY NEW VOCABULARY MENU: “APPRECI-EAT.” This word is all about slowing down the eating and thereby tasting food more – so you’ll want to eat less. Studies show that if you eat more slowly, you allow your body the needed time to signal to your brain that you are full -- which is usually 20 minutes. So I no longer eat meals and snacks - I appreciEAT them!

More words on MY NEW VOCABULARY MENU: “F0RWARD” and “BACKWARD.” Every food one chooses to eat either moves you forward to your dream weight - or backwards to gaining more weight. So when I look at a food I ask myself: "Is this a forward food - or a backward food?"

More words from MY NEW VOCABULARY MENU: “THE OLD ME" and “THE NEW ME.” All your actions come from your identity. If you think: “I always overeat late at night.” Guess what? You do. If you think: “I’m the type of person who can resist chocolate -- the new me is great at resisting it -- the new me eats forward foods -- the old me ate backward foods!" Guess what? The new you will be very much going forwards to fab – instead of backwards to flab!

Another word on MY NEW VOCABULARY MENU: "WALLPOWER!" To hell with ordinary mere mortal willpower. When you have WALLPOWER, nothing will be able to break through your wall of commitment!

A new sentence on MY NEW VOCABULARY MENU: "INCREASING MY APPETITE FOR LIFE." If you want to be a slim, healthy person it's essential you swap the pleasure of food with life’s multitudinous other delights.

FACT: If you're presently overweight, it's because you're not being hungry enough about pursuing life’s other abundant pleasures – and are seeing mostly the pleasure of food.

FACT: If you want to lose weight you must make sure your appetite for life is far bigger than your appetite for mere food.

So… swap chips and salsa for salsa class! Stop eating! Start painting! Recognize the joy of taking photos lasts longer than the joy of ice cream!

Want to be your healthiest, slimmest self now, dammit? Read ENOUGH DAMMIT! Start by clicking here now!

According to my favorite philosopher buddy, Ari (otherwise known as Aristotle ), we humans are biologically social animals. Our first nature is to be around people.

However if you're going through a challenging time (aka: a break up, a work rejection, a money problem, a trauma, a difficult illness, the passing of a loved one) often being around people feels much more like a 2,841st nature.

You gotta fight this urge to hide away.

In my new BOUNCE BACK BOOK (which you can find out more about here) I share research which shows it’s far more healthful to be around people.

Dr. Dina Carbonell, a research associate at Simmons College, studied the secrets of people who successfully bounced back from hard times. She tracked 400 people for 25 years, from ages 5 to 30, studying the main characteristics of those who did best in difficult circumstances.

Her findings?

“Resilient people identify those who are available, trustworthy and helpful. Then they go towards this light,” says Dr. Carbonell.

In psychologist Professor Ed Diener’s research he’s found that close relationships actually influence overall joy far more than income! And good strong friendships can even ward off germs – by lowering stress, and improving your immune system.

A Bingingham University study dittos these findings -- reporting people who claim to have 5 or more friends with whom they can discuss important problems, are 60% more likely to say that they are “very happy.”

According to Dr. John Haidt the urge for humans to seek the sweetness of other people is just as natural and strong as bees who migrate towards a honey hive. Haidt believes we humans, just like bees, feel the most comfortable and thriving when we are members of a larger hive. Hence why many folks feel so unsettled and lost when alone too often, without the comfort of others.

So if you want to feel at the top of your game, it’s essential to spend time buzzing around with supportive people!

Your Assignment:

Make sure you are playing the right amount of hide and seek! Figure out who your sweet hive people might be. Make a list of all the people you consider close friends. Now ask yourself: Who is 100% rooting for you to live your happiest life – and not competing or jealous? Who do you always feel happier after visiting – not more depressed? These are your your supportive hive people. Go towards these hive people often! Let them know how much you appreciate them often -- and your hive will further thrive!

Remember: One of the indirectly good things about going through bad times – it can bring you closer to others, bonding you in a truly emotionally, meaningful way!

1. People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

2. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

3. If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

4. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

5. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

6. The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds.
Think big anyway.

7. People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

8. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

9. People really need help but may attack you if you do help them.
Help people anyway.

10. Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

I just discovered the above Paradoxical Commandments by Dr. Kent Keith in researching for my BOUNCE BACK BOOK. I've invited the author to come on my Sirius show BE HAPPY DAMMIT -- and will definitely let you know when that will be.

If you have your favorite quotes which keep you inspired during challenging times, please share them below!