Date: Thursday, 17 Apr 2014 22:30
The US government's Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency (DARPA) has commissioned two companies to build a hybrid, all-terrain stealth dirt bike with an engine that makes little to no noise. I must have one. The bears will never hear me coming.
The Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency has issued a grant to integrate a multiple fuel, hybrid-electric power plant into a dirt bike built by BRD Motorcycles. The hybrid electric engine will be built by Logos Technologies. "Quieted, all-wheel-drive capability at extended range in a lightweight, rugged, single-track vehicle could support the successful operations of U.S. expeditionary and special forces in extreme terrain conditions and contested environments," said Wade Pulliam, manager of advanced concepts at Logos Technologies. "With a growing need to operate small units far from logistical support, the military may increasingly rely on adaptable, efficient technologies like this hybrid-electric motorcycle."Why does the US government REALLY need stealth dirt bikes? I'll tell you why -- to spy on me and the rest of my wizard friends when we're out LARPing in the woods on weekends. They want to learn the secrets of our magic. *GW casts force-field of the forest* Haha -- nice try, government! *casts cloak of invisibility, poops in leaf pile* Thanks to Greg L, who is hard at work developing a stealth 4-wheeler with a machine gun turret to take his paintball game to a whole new level.
Date: Thursday, 17 Apr 2014 21:00
This is 'Epic Pen Spinning', a video of pen spinners Ian Jenson and PPM spinning the everliving shit out of some pens. It's worth a watch, even if you just skip around. These aren't cheap Bic pens though, these things are PRECISION BALANCED WRITING INSTRUMENTS. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? "Does it involve your ass?" Maybe. "Does it involve what one of these would feel like up there?" I'M TIRED OF SHARPIES. Keep going for the video.
Date: Thursday, 17 Apr 2014 19:30
Because who hasn't ever dreamed of big-spooning a body pillow with a sexy cartoon Captain Kirk on one side and Spock on the other, Etsy seller IdentityProductions is making all of our wildest dreams come true with this $50 pillow cover. And by 'our wildest dreams' I mean 'your wildest dreams', because I am not into dudes. And by 'dudes' I mean 'these dudes', because I could dry-hump a Captain Picard/Geordi La Forge body pillow till all the stuffing came out. Keep going for one more shot.
Date: Thursday, 17 Apr 2014 18:30
This is a picture and video of Highway N329 in Holland. 500-meters of the highway's exterior lines have been painted with glow-in-dark paint, a corroboration between artist Daan Roosegaarde and Dutch civil engineers. Heck yeah, now paint me some glow-in-the-dark lanes to the refrigerator and shitter so I don't have to turn on any lights at night (or pee in the wastebasket by my bed).
Glowing road markings are just scratching the surface of Roosegaarde's ideas for constructing "smart highways." His team hopes to develop giant road markings, such as snowflakes, that appear on the road when the temperature drops to a certain level. Other conceptual alterations include driving lanes that can charge electric vehicles, and dynamic lane markings that shift from dashed to solid lines based on traffic.Admittedly, those sound like great ideas. Of course it would take decades for any of those to ever be implemented in the US because our road and highway systems are a disaster. They won't even fix the potholes in my neighborhood and they're like, deep enough to eat a children's bike. Still, it would be pretty cool to pretend you're in TRON. Make driving like a video game and people will pay more attention, that's my motto. Jk jk, it's, "Every day, in every way, I'm getting better and better." I'm lying again, it's, "Get drunk, stay drunk, try to forget." Keep going for a video of a guy driving the highway.
Date: Thursday, 17 Apr 2014 17:30
This is a picture of super cool haired pop/rock singer Ryan Cabrera's foot after stepping on his iPhone charger in the dark. I don't know about you, but I'm never taking my shoes off again. As a matter of fact, I'm going to start wearing a pair of boots OVER my shoes. "What about in the shower?" In the shower I will also add a pair of rain boots. "And in bed?" In the bed I'll be knockin' boots. HIYO! That's slang for having the sex by the way, I'm not actually going to be banging boots together trying to knock mud off the bottoms. Was that slang for anal play? Maybe so! Thanks to A & N, who have allegedly seen Ryan Cabrera in real life before. Was he dreamy?!
This Isn't You!: Women Having Trouble Re-Entering Home Countries After Getting South Korean Plastic Surgery
Date: Thursday, 17 Apr 2014 16:30
Oh...wow. Women traveling to South Korea for facial plastic surgery are finding it difficult to re-enter their home countries because they look absolutely nothing like they do in their passport photo. When reached for comment, South Korea's neighbor to the north had this to say, "Our space program has already colonized planets outside the solar system." North Korea, ladies and gentlemen! I wish I could lie to myself that hard.
According to Korean sites Onboa and Munhwa (via tipster Sang), some Korean hospitals are now issuing a "plastic surgery certificate" at the request of overseas visitors. Customs officials, of course, are strict about making sure people match the mugs in their passports. These certificates can supposedly help make clearing immigration go smoother so officials don't have to call hospitals to confirm procedures. The certificates include the patient's passport number, the length of their stay, the name and location of the hospital as well as the hospital's official seal to certify the document. Travellers can show the forms to immigration officials on their return trip home.You know, sometimes I wish I was prettier. But I am way too terrified of going under the knife to do anything about it. Like, I only go to the doctor when I'm positive I'll be dead within the week if I don't. I am not trying to die just to get my nose fixed. "Well I'd consider it." *covering face* Oh God, is it really that bad? "It looks like a boxer's ear." Get away, I SAID DON'T LOOK AT ME. Thanks to Gary E, who's considering getting a little work done on his cheeks. Aww, but I think you look great as a chipmunk!
Date: Thursday, 17 Apr 2014 15:30
This is a video of a group of Russian firefighters who rigged a bunch of fire hoses to a metal platform to make it hover with a guy standing on top (previously: using the same concept to lift a car). Does this actually serve a purpose? Like, do they use that to lift debris off somebody who's trapped? Do they usually drown? Or is this just for fun? Also, why the hell is that dude wearing a helmet? Dammit Russia, you're getting soft. Keep going for the video.
Date: Wednesday, 16 Apr 2014 23:30
This is a video of Youtuber Dan Newbie performing Super Mario Bros. themes using 48 wine glasses, two pencils and a frying pan. It sounded very pretty. Kinda reminded me of visiting the Caribbean. Granted I've never been, but in my mind that is what it would sound like. And I would be on the beach drinking a tropical drink out of a coconut. Would a lovely lady be rubbing suntan lotion on my back? "Probably not." Right you are! *whistling* Oh cabana boy! Hit the jump for the video.
Date: Wednesday, 16 Apr 2014 23:08
It's X-Men: Days of Future Past's final trailer, and its last chance to distinguish itself in any way from the 2001 fantasy romantic-comedy Kate & Leopold. We have already seen Hugh Jackman time travel in that, X-Men. What else could you possibly have to offer? Turns out, super-powered mutants, giant robots, and Peter Dinklage instead of a blossoming love with career-minded New Yorker Meg Ryan:
Date: Wednesday, 16 Apr 2014 22:30
You can call me a sissy all you want, but I got sweaty palms watching this. Just keep in mind that if you do decide to call me a sissy I will punch you in the face. Because, while I'm genuinely terrified of falling 120-feet to my death on a bicycle, I am not afraid of some good old fashioned combat. You know how many fights I've been in? All of them. And I've always been on the winning side. You know what my secret to success is? "Living in fantasy land?" No -- never picking sides until the fight is ending, then rushing out on the battlefield apologizing you just had to take a monster shit. Works like a charm. Keep going for the video.
Date: Wednesday, 16 Apr 2014 20:30
This is a set of $20 Zelda tarot cards made and sold by Etsy shop PixelPerks. All the designs were hand-drawn/waterpainted and then printed on cardstock. The set contains 22-cards (a Major Arcana deck -- links to Wikipedia) plus 5 instruction cards and 3 blank frames to draw your own. You know, I've never had a tarot card reading done but when I was in college a buddy and I went to see a fortune teller. He went first and the lady (who did have a crystal ball and a pretty sweet scarf tied around her head) was all, "You're having girlfriend problems," and then he's like, "No shit, I'm gay," and then I was all, "F*** this, don't pay her and let's go to the bar." Keep going for a couple closeups and the rest of the cards.
CHOO CHOO!: Train Conductor Kicks Idiot Trying To Take Selfie Right By The Train Tracks In His Stupid Head
Date: Wednesday, 16 Apr 2014 19:30
This is a video of some jackass trying to take a video of himself right in front of a train as it passes. Thankfully, the conductor, who clearly identified this little nobgoblin from a mile away, boots him in the face. Some people are speculating it's fake, which I don't think it is, but regardless -- you can definitely still masturbate to to it. Just ask my roommate. *knocking on bedroom door* "JUST A MIIIIIINUTE." Dammit Derrek, you're going to go blind! At least drink some Gatorade and stay hydrated, your climax is gonna look like a dust bunny. Keep going for the video.
Date: Wednesday, 16 Apr 2014 18:30
Because why not accidentally create undying killer mutants, scientits (from now on that's what we're calling scientists doing things we don't approve of) recently injected cockroaches with DNA nanobots capable of unraveling themselves and delivering drugs. Wait -- drug delivery?! How much for a half ounce of hash? Ooh -- and if I order a pizza for pick-up can you grab it on your way?
The [nanobot] programs were simple logical operations that directed the DNA to unfold and release a molecule, for example, when it encountered a specific protein. "This is the first time that biological therapy has been able to match how a computer processor works," Ido Bachelet from Bar Ilan University's Institute of Nanotechnology and Advanced Materials told New Scientist. Next, they said they plan to scale up the computing power that can be put inside a single cockroach -- enough to equal a Commodore 64. Cockroaches have the advantage of not rejecting the tiny machines as foreign invaders like mammals do, although the team told New Scientist they are confident about making the bots stable enough to start human trials within five years.First of all, I don't think cockroaches scurrying around with nanobots containing the processing power of Commodore 64's is a good idea. I mean, a Commodore 64 can run Spy Hunter AND Ghosts & Goblins. That is serious power. You throw a Sega Genesis in one of those f***ers and it's game over. We might as well pack up our bags and move to Mars, because Earth is the roach's now. You know what, screw it, I'm blasting off for Mars anyway. Who's coming with me?! "Let me see your spaceship first." It's right over there -- in the corner. "That's a cardboard box with 'USS SPACEPEEN' written on the side." Pretty sweet, right? Blastoff will be immediately after dinner (my mom's making spaghetti, otherwise we could leave right now). Thanks to E V I L A R E S, who's so evil he's probably already developing a scheme to use injectable nanobots to take over the world.
Date: Wednesday, 16 Apr 2014 17:30
Doctors at the University of Edinburgh have just received the go-ahead to use lab-grown blood in transfusions for three patients with blood disorders starting in 2016. If successful, artificial lab-made blood could be replacing donor blood in transfusions as soon as 2035. *counting on fingers* But that's still ten years away! "Try nineteen." I don't have nineteen fingers. When reached for comment about the lab-grown blood, one man licking his lips had this to say, "Not bad. " Dammit, Dracula!
The process involves using adult skin or blood cells that have been genetically modified into stem cells, known as induced pluripotent stem (iPS) cells. These iPS cells are then cultured in biologic conditions that mimic the human body, eventually leading to their transition into mature red blood cells. The trick so far has been increasing the efficiency of this transition process, as not all the cells are capable of becoming red blood cells. The team at the University of Edinburgh has got this efficiency to approaching 50% in a process that takes about a month. The red blood cells are then separated from the rest of the cells in a centrifuge.I tried donating blood once and passed out. I never should have looked at the bag. You know what the last thing I remember saying was? 'That looks too full.' I thought they were trying to bleed me dry. When reached for another comment about the new lab-grown blood, The Count from Sesame Street counted to ten then ran off screen chasing bats. Thanks to Thaylor H, who not only donates blood, but also keeps a jar full of scabs for emergencies. Cool!
Date: Wednesday, 16 Apr 2014 16:30
You know what's behind the helmet? Tears. In heartbreaking news, these are photos of 4-year old Jack Robinson's Star Wars themed funeral. Because life isn't fair in the least, Jack, of Hampshire, England, was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor and developed a bucket list of things he'd like to do before passing. Having his parents organize a Star Wars themed funeral was the last. Here, I'm just going to copy/paste while I excuse myself for a second.
His carriage was covered floral tributes, including one reading 'Jedi' and wreaths in the shape of a lightsaber, Yoda and R2-D2. Inside the church a brass band played the film's The Binary Sunset music - known as Luke Skywalker's theme - and the order of service read: 'Master Jack Robinson, joined the force 1st April 2014'. Jack always had that cheeky grin on his face. Even when we were in hospital and I was sleeping next to him, he would poke me in the back with a lightsaber, then very quickly hid it and grin at me. In just four-and-a-half years, Jack achieved what many people spend a lifetime doing. He was only a little boy but he brought people together, from all over the world.Jack also got to ride in a firetruck as an early birthday present, meet singer Gary Barlow, and had a personal video message sent to him by the 11th Doctor, Matt Smith (who also sang him the show's theme song). Rest in peace, Jack. Keep going for a couple more shots, but you will cry if you're not already.
Date: Tuesday, 15 Apr 2014 23:00
This is a video from heavy equipment manufacturer Caterpillar featuring five excavators playing the world's largest game of Jenga with 27 blocks, each weighing 600 pounds. Cool, but a traditional game of Jenga is played with 54 blocks. This is only half a set. I expected more from you, Caterpillar. No I didn't, but I will take a free hard hat. I like to wear one whenever I'm playing construction foreman in the sandbox. I'm joking, I don't have a sandbox. But I do have upstairs neighbors who have such crazy sex that it's only a matter of time before they come through the ceiling. That's why I need the hard hat -- I have no intention of dying in some accidental threesome. Keep going for the video.
Date: Tuesday, 15 Apr 2014 22:00
Because some artists are questionably even artists at all, French artiste Abraham Poincheval has been living inside a taxidermied bear for the past two weeks. Wow, what a groundbreaking performance piece. Call me when you're trying to sleep inside a LIVE bear for two weeks. Why is he even doing this? Survey says: probably some pretentious bullshit!
Since April 1, Poincheval has been partaking in the interactive exhibition at the Musée de la Chasse et de la Nature, essentially chilling inside a taxidermy bear with a sparse amount of food and water. He has some additional survival materials in there, including a light, cushion, kettle and toilet of some kind. The piece is meant to test Poincheval's physical limits while allowing the artist to get in touch with his animal instincts.Yeah bro, there's nothing quite like listening to your iPod and napping all day to really get in touch with your animal instincts. Nice cardigan, what are you, a killer tiger? I wish I had two weeks with nothing to do but catch up on my rest and relaxation. But, oh right -- JOB. If somebody wants to commission me to come nap in something for two weeks, you've got yourself a deal. Hell, I'll even take my chances in a sex dungeon or shark tank. Real talk. Keep going for a couple more pictures of the does anybody else really consider you an artist is it just something you insist on yourself?
Date: Tuesday, 15 Apr 2014 21:00
This is a video of juggler Lindzee Poi performing "Amelymeloptical illusions" using four rings. What the hell are "Amelymeloptical illusions?" No clue, but they clearly take some fairly powerful magic to conjure. Does Lindzee dabble in the dark arts? One mentally deficient blogger says yes! Aaaaand just peed his pants because he was experimenting with trying to make it a whole day without going. HYPOTHESIS FAILED. But -- BUT -- I haven't shit my pants yet and on Thursday it will be eight days. I'm doing science! Keep going for the whole worthwhile video with even more eye-f***ery than in the gif above.
Date: Tuesday, 15 Apr 2014 20:00
Nope, this one's just a urine sample. A laboratory in France has admitted to losing more than 2,000 vials containing parts of the deadly Sars coronavirus. The scientists say not to worry though, because the vials only contained PARTS of the virus, not the whole thing. Or at least that's what they're using as a coverup. Anybody else feel kinda sick all of a sudden?
A routine inventory check at Paris' Pasteur Institute revealed that 2,349 tubes containing fragments of the virus responsible for the deaths of 774 people in 2002 were missing, the centre named after French chemist Louis Pasteur said. The institute was quick to reassure the public and said that the contents of the missing vials had no infectious potential. They contained only part of the virus and had no ability to spread. "Independent experts referred by health authorities have qualified such potential as 'non-existing' according to the available evidence and literature on the survival of the Sars virus," the institute said.I'm pretty sure this is how Resident Evil started. "No, it's not at all actually." YOU SHUT UP. Oh shit, that reminds me: what's your home address -- I wanted to send you something. "What?" Just a little something? "Is it a vial of something?" Maybe. Thanks to Thaylor H, who is 99% confident this was an act of terrorism and the zombie apocalypse is only days away.
Date: Tuesday, 15 Apr 2014 19:00
This is the Bradley, a $195 - $275 watch designed to be read by the blind, but one that's also sleek enough for anybody to want to wear. Hell, I can see 20/20 and I still want one. Hey Terry, eat shit you f***ing monster! *squinting* Wait -- is this not my Google Chat box? Time is told with two ball bearings that revolve around the watch, the inner ball tells minutes, and the one in the outer ring, hours. It's that simple. Alternatively, just yell, "WHAT TIME IS IT?!" That's what I do when I get too drunk to look at my phone. Although it's inevitable some smartass will tell you it's time to get a watch. And that's when I break my beer bottle over his head. Looks like it's nighty-night time for you, jackass! From that moment on he will shudder whenever somebody asks for the time. Keep going for a couple more shots and a video.
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