Nothing unusual in the 5 months or so since I've posted last. More of the same. What I can say is changed is my attitude and approach. I’m just trying to be kind and helpful to H, focus on my work, and do things that I enjoy. Not much else I can do, aside from get me a boyfriend, which would likely make it easier still for me to care for H.H continues his slow decline and is getting more and

As always, life grinds on and on...push the rock up, it rolls down, push it up again (rinse and repeat...).I wonder about finding meaning in life with all this grinding and rolling. I'm not talking about meaning in the abstract sense, but in the concrete sense of "here is why I get up every morning." This is not depression, mind you...just a heart and mind looking for a mission, for peace, for

Finally finished up a major project at work and am coming up for air. Work continues to be a welcome distraction from home...I prefer work to home. Work = respite for me.H continues his inexorable decline and it's hard for me to watch, as it has been for years.Sometimes, I look at H and wonder where he has gone. Yea, I know what happened, but it's strange to be around this person wearing H's

While H was up and about much more for awhile, he's now back in bed most of the time. Maybe up for just a few hours a day again. He told me that he just doesn't feel well and is very, very tired. Nice to get the gallbladder out, and that helped him a lot, but at the end of the day, he's still a very sick puppy.He's got a classic car that he has been lovingly restoring for the past 20 years or so.

Now that H has had his gallbladder out, he is doing much better with eating. And he's just not in bed as much. I mean, he's up much of the day now on weekends, he's tidying up the house, and starting up long-mothballed projects.This is really weird. I suppose that I should be happy about this, but it's taking some adjustment. H finds it weird too.It's so strange to have someone who has been in

I keep circling back to the notion that all suffering is caused by not accepting what is. Case in point...I've been sick twice in the past two months, first with an awful 24 hour flu and just this weekend, a nasty head cold.Now, I'm usually am sick maybe once a year with a cold. But two times in two months got me thinking.When I look back at the last two months, what do I see?Stress, anger,

For the first time in a long time, H told me that he was frightened last night.I had asked him a few days ago if he was afraid about the upcoming MRI...he said, "nothing frightens me anymore." Now, I didn't believe it.But last night, with tears in his eyes he said, "(asm's endearing nick name), I'm afraid of what the MRI will show." "I know, honey," I said. "I am too. But let's find out what the

Dopa, dopaH's neurologist thinks that his shaking may be caused by damage to the cerebellum, the part of the brain that produces dopamine. So, will try some Parkinson's meds to see if it helps him. And an MRI next week to see what's going on inside. Most likely, more brain damage from the virus, Dr tell us. H's other neurological symptoms are progressing as well.Why I sleep so muchI asked him

Another sick one in the houseOur remaining cat (we've lost two in the last year or so to a feline virus/cancer) now has a tumor on her belly. Sigh. More sickness in our house. We'll find out in a few days what's the deal.We were told that it's likely she'll get sick as all of the other ones died of cancer and there is a virus in the house (well, two really).So much sickness in the house.

Happy New Year to my gentle readers. I'm still alive and kicking out West. H is stable, which is a nice change. And I'm spending more and more time at work…and less and less time at home, which is preferred.What to say?On a typical day, H will complain repetitively about:How sick he feels, how tired he is, how much pain he is inHow he hates taking his medsHow his dad disappointed him and has

Well, I'm trying to give y'all a more balanced view, as not all is bad in my world (although incredibly crazy)...but you know, it is still bleak with H. In many ways, my crazy job is a respite from my caregiving and issues at home. And for that I am glad that I have a distraction.It just seems that there is always a health crisis/issue with H these days...if it isn't one thing it's another. He's

Family visitsH's dad and youngest sister (G) came for a visit; they live in a far away part of the US.The occasion was a wonderful soiree for the middle sister's 50th B-day.G hasn't seen H for over two years now. Before she came up, H told her that he "is not sure he can keep doing this." And when she saw him, she was shocked at how thin and frail he was compared to two years ago, the last time

In spite of it all, H and I are better together these days.Maybe it's that the medical stuff is so routine now...even with new issues... or we've reached some type of détente in our expectations for one another. Or maybe we're both getting closer to acceptance. But on occasion and more regularly, that gentle fondness is there in the forefront and we talk, laugh, and playfully joke with bad puns..

Doctor, doctorAs expected, H's health continues to be up and down, but mostly slowly down. Most recently, he's been having stomach pain and is having a much harder time walking than ever before. Some of the walking issue is his dementia and some of it is that he has a somewhat lame leg and hand due to a stroke about 15 years ago. H said to me last night, "I'm so mad at how frail I've gotten. I

A break and a new roleHad a few weeks of vacation last month and travelled a bit without H. Like before, I arranged for a trained caregiver to come in to keep an eye on him and to cook. 'Twas wonderful to get a way and when I came back, my first thought when I saw H was, "Oh my, this man is a mess...poor guy." In this case, the break gave me some perspective and increased my sympathy for him.Came

Thanks for your comments to my last post. I appreciate the helpful advice. Even tho' I crabbed a bit in my last post, I do take steps to cope.Here's how I've finally learned to cope with caregiving after 15 years of it:I have a great therapist who has experience with dementia & end of lifeI take antidepressantsI get away for one or two days a month to get a breakI get away for a week every two

Well, I've been thinking about some comments to my prior post (Snippets Again), specifically about choice when dealing with death and grief. And I thank my gentle readers for their comments.Here's the deal: yes, it is a choice to wallow in pain and grief, to a degree.But, the reality is that if I am fully present with H, as I try to be, then I am sad...both for him and for me. Simple.Sure there

Oh, the drama of it all.H has always liked reality television, such as Wife Swap, Nanny 911, etc. But now, he's completely focused on RTV (Reality TV), especially those shows that include yelling, screaming, fist fights, police takedowns, acerbic meter maids, crashes, etc. The noisier the better. Grieving in the dark.When the house is quiet at night, when H and all the animals have gone to bed,

Amazing, helpful, and sad to read this.

Both H and I struggled upon my return. Once I came back, had a good night's sleep, and I needed to do something for H (make dinner), all of those resentments, fatigue...the burden came rushing back...less than 24 hours after getting home.Yea, holding H in my arms was wonderful, but after the initial elation, it was the same ole, same ole feelings of "I don't want to be here. I am so done with