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Her name is Sarah Chalke and she’s a huge slut. On the show at least but she’s definitely putting off the same vibe with that belly. Her parents run an adoption agency that caters Chinese babies for people in Canada. Why only Chinese babies, I couldn’t tell you, but it does seem sort of bitchy to birth your own baby when your parents slang babies for cash. Maybe this is how Sarah rebels and proves to her parents she doesn’t need them? Or maybe she just straight up doesn’t like the Chinese. She had to grow up with a house full of them crying and shit. Already smarter than she was and ganging up on her when the parents were gone. They would pin her down and do that shit when someone pokes on your chest. That shit will make you go crazy and she did. Later that night she drown one of those little bastards in the bathtub. Her parents of course covered it up and buried it in the back yard. They wrote back to China claiming the dead baby was adopted or some shit. Ever since Sarah’s kind of had this attitude like she can get away with anything. She thought she could, too, but apparently you can get pregnant if a dude pulls out and blows his load on top of your vadge. Who knew?

She gets paid to barf in a toilet and snort coke off her iPhone. It’s a lifestyle all women want. To feel beautiful and see themselves on magazine covers. To be noticed and gawked over. Miranda Kerr loves it and thinks I’m disgusting. A pig really and she would appreciate it if I’d stop e-mailing her pictures of my wiener tucked back in this same position. It’s called a “fruit bowl” you bitch and it’s what’s for breakfast.

If you pull that doodoo apart within lies the most pinkest butthole you’ve ever seen. Just like a pink rose. It smells a bit different but looks just the same. Pink and pale white look good together. That’s the fascination black men have with white girls. When a black dude spreads Kristin Cavallari’s white cheeks apart and sees that pink rose looking up at him, it’s like everything’s right in the world, and those past due child support payments melt away like the child they never see anyway. I’m not speaking on behalf of all black men. In this fictional story my black man is a dead-beat no gooder living in The Acorn Projects. He’s a Crip born and raised in West Oakland. Kristin loves him because he says things like “no nigga can fade me” and “bitch, make me some grits!” Kristin Cavallari can make a bomb grit. She’s been bitch-slapped enough to know adding both milk and margarine is key to good grits. She also lets the dude eat them out of the crack of her ass. Pour some good grits down the crack of a white girl’s ass and watch a black man’s head explode.

With some record executive bitch. Some loaded limp dick with a limper gut. When you’re this rich you can be as dumpy as you want and women are still willing to swallow your gravy load, it’s disgusting. Katy Perry doesn’t care and she’s down to get hers. Her music career is reaching it’s end and she has to keep the bills paid somehow. That’s where Jeff comes in. Yep, his name is Jeff. His favorite bands are U2 and Counting Crows. He loves talking about the mountain bike he never rides and drinking lunch time margaritas at Chili’s. He’s a cool dude who believes a great day starts with a tucked in t-shirt.

This is his “chick” playing a little b-ball at the condo.

Put a girl in a limousine and down comes the rain. Their panties get so wet they could stick to a wall, ewww!

Next time you’re making out with a chick, take off her undies, and throw em’ against the wall. If they stick than this chick is LOVING you. If they tumble down to the ground, who cares, you’re about to get laid. This goes for women too. Next time you’re sucking face with a guy throw his roo’s at the wall. If they stick than you probably don’t want to toss this dude’s salad. From what I’ve been told Leighton Meester is an ass grubber. A little mud-butt is all good in her eyes and she’ll even nibble the edges.

These are period people clothes. Anytime I see a woman wearing one of these ankle length dresses I automatically assume she’s rockin’ a tampon underneath it. Women have it rough. They have to eat a dude’s nut, bleed out of their vagina’s, and take dongs up the butt. Dude, fuck that, men have it made. Well, straight men anyway. Eva Longoria gets her hair did when she’s on the rag and this is her doing just that.

Hooooo-moooo!

If there’s ever a part of a man’s body you don’t get a tattoo this would be it. Was Brad Pitt a stripper at some point? Is that an equal sign so whoever is ass fucking him can clearly see he’s all about equal rights? I would assume the person ramming him could tell by Brad’s hand reaching around and tickling his balls, but just to be sure Brad had this tattoo put on. This dude is so 2010.

Sweet motorcycle. Apparently he dumped it.

You would die of dehydration if you tried to lick all three miles of them. Yum! Yum! Whitney Port is awesome because if you’re kicking it on the couch watching a movie and you lose the remote she can reach the television with her foot.

Turn it up! I love this part…

She’s like Inspector Gadget. Go-go gadget toes! If you need another beer she can reach the refrigerator too! This chick can give you a hand job, turn up the TV, get you a beer, and reach the ceiling fan cord all in the same second. If that can’t make you cum, you’re probably a homosexual.

P.S. Is it just me or do you get the vibe this woman has the world’s cutest vagina? It must smell like a fresh bed of flowers in Spring.

The alternative slut in The Exploited t-shirt or the snobby one sniffing her pit in public?

From a man’s perspective that is a nicely clean shaven armpit. No greens or grays, a quick hooker-shower in the sink to get rid of the smell, and she’s good to go! She’s obviously going to fuck someone tonight and trying to debate whether or not a shower first is necessary. I’m assuming if the pit check fails the test, her cooch is going to be a God damn mess. Say hello to a little cheese and goodbye to anyone going down on you. Audrina Patridge vs. Lauren “Lo” Bosworth! Let’s do this already…

I think more than anything else women like dressing their babies a lot more than feeding them or changing their shitty/pee pee stained diapers. Since their vagina will never look the same again they channel their rage into making their baby appear at it’s utmost adorableness. This is how a woman copes with her newly destroyed body. All the sudden Daddy isn’t going downtown anymore and she can’t even remember the last time he put his tongue in her mouth. Remember making out and how they used to do that shit for like hours? Dude, those days are over. Now Daddy is too busy sticking his tongue, fingers, and other things in the slammin’ hot, childless, new secretary at work. Yep, Daddy’s a player like that and the world continues to turn round & round. It’s nothing new and Jessica Alba should of fuckin’ known fuckin’ better than to let a dude named “Cash” rip a nut in her box.

I’m being told her name is Hayley Williams. A good old country name. She doesn’t look very country. She looks like she just walked out of a Hot Topic. I put her name into Google looking for a doodoo shot with no luck. Or I don’t know, I only looked at the first page. No doodoo’s but one of her wearing some kind of vinyl record skirt. She’s twenty now, sexually active, and is no longer a backdoor virgin thanks to Rolando. He got that on the tour bus, kids will be kids.

This is the new Hayley arriving at something called It’s On with Alexa Chung in New York.

When Kimberly Caldwell was on American Idol I was struggling for a reason not to kill myself. I was living in a lame city, all my friends were retards, and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out how to go 24 hours without masturbating. I was a mess and I was one of those kinds of people. The legends… you’ve heard about them for years. The pretty housewife, you know the one, her friends burst in at the surprise birthday party to find her spread eagle on the couch with the family dog licking peanut butter from in between her legs. Remember the cheerleader? She gets her stomach pumped after drinking too much and the doctor finds 2 quarts of sperm? This is a real person and her name was Lou Ann. Remember the guy hanging naked from the shower curtain rod half dead from auto-erotic asphyxiation? His name is Lonnie and he’s a sex addict. These people are the reason emergency rooms have a diamond tipped drill, to relieve the auction, and free the champagne bottle or the Barbie doll or hamster from somebody’s ass. You think they’re a big joke but they’re not. For these kinds of freaks sex is a compulsion. Like gambling or drugs or shoplifting. It’s just another thing they consume to help dull out the pain. I was one of these people. Sex addicts become literally dependent on the rush of constant orgasm. Blowing your lid releases endorphins and endorphins are what numbs the pain. I mean honestly, even the worst blow job is still better than sniffing the most greatest rose or witnessing the world’s most beautifulest sunset. But I’m not thinking of that now because at any moment now I won’t have a problem in the world. No bills, stupid job, or crazy Mom. All I’m going to feel is perfect, beautiful, nothing…

Can someone hand me a sock?

Doodoo!!

Producers call desperate, willing to do anything for a role, women like Sophie Monk “money.” Not because she will make any at the box office, but because the kind of people she spreads her legs for are still quoting lines from the movie Swingers with Vince Vaughn. White guys who work in IT with nicknames like Tee, T-Bone, and Tee Tee. The kind of guys who hang out in the electronics department at Best Buy trying to pick up on young moms. Sophie Monk is a God to these people.

The amount of balding 40 something year old men masturbating to these pictures of Taylor Momsen is still unknown at this point, but I have a feeling when she’s found abandoned, dehydrated, and clinging to life nude in a ditch somewhere in Bakersfield. It’s going to be safe to say at least 6. We won’t know for sure until all the different semen samples have been analyzed. It’s a slippery slope this girl’s living on and let’s all hope I’m wrong for a change.

Yes, yes of course she wants another bump of coke. Amanda Seyfried came here to get blown, stoned, and thrown against a toilet tank to get boned from behind. I’d do it.. I like a woman who always looks as if she’ll be dead within the next 48 hours.

From the first time I watched American Pie I never liked Tara Reid. Remember when she took her ugly boyfriend upstairs at the party and gave the dude a blow job? She made the guy blow his load inside a plastic cup of beer. I remember thinking “dude what a bitch! She could have just taken the shot in the mouth and then spit it out into the beer afterwards.” That’s what an awesome girlfriend would have done. Stifler still could have swallowed the shit. I realize whoever wrote that movie is old and unattached with what men really want in a blow job, so you really can’t blame the dude, and seeing how much of a tramp Tara Reid is you would have thought she’d bring it up in rehearsal. Obviously she didn’t because everyone would have clearly agreed and re-wrote the scene, but she didn’t, and that’s why I don’t like her. Basically she’s a shitty actress with no sense of what’s real.

I wonder if Kourtney Kardashian’s stomach will get anywhere near as big as her sister’s fat ass? Her belly looks a bit pointy to me like maybe there’s a bird growing inside it. Wouldn’t that be something? To see an overgrown baby bird fetus come out of a woman’s vagina? Well I mean.. we all know it’s going to be a big fat hairy rat instead, but a little bird might be the breath of fresh air this family needs. Hmm, that was a bit harsh I suppose. Khloe didn’t do anything to deserve that and we all know damn well if it’s a bird she would eat it.

Remember when Austin Powers found out his girlfriend was a fembot all along and she tried to clip his ass with her machine gun jubblies? This dress reminds me of that and she looks like something created on Mad Men. Hilary Duff has done something with her mad boobies. They look a lot bigger now and if they shot anything I’m guessing it would be silicone out of her armpits.

Maxim Magazine tells men how to dress themselves, what watch to buy, and the right drink to order at a bar so women might think they’re successful. If you have a dick and reading this publication you’re a tool. If you can’t figure out how your pants should fit, than that’s it man, game over, you should kill yourself. If you’re only flipping through this magazine to see all the hot ass they put in it, than cool, you’re pretty much normal and maybe even an asset to society. When it comes to using a piece of pussy to sell your publication Maxim Magazine has that shit on lock down. This month it’s double-time and this white girl is one of them. Her name is something or other, it’s not like anyone gives a damn. She’s got a slammin’-ass body and that was enough to get her the job. I’m guessing after that Asian looking woman sees this she’s going to run out and get a boob job. She needs it, bad. They had to photoshop the hell out of her chest to get some shadows happening. It’s too bad all these girls curves were manufactured with a computer, they look cool. It would be pretty neat if that’s what a woman’s body actually looked like.