For anyone who wants to read it.

The hell with CHH and their stooges, this is my blog, and my life........read it if you will.

My blog has had to be deleted as my previous employer found it.

You can email me at ksandersuk@hotmail.com if you want my new url.

Can't write too much tonight as I have just finished consuming more wine than can possibly be considered good for me, but I wanted share this song by Jonatha Brooke. The title is "West Point" and it's a bloody good tune.

New job is confirmed - I start on July 3rd. Car broke down again today though. If it aint one thing it's another!

Quick update on the job situation - I was called on Friday and told that they want me to start as soon as possible, subject to satisfactory telephone references which they will be getting from CHH tomorrow. Well, they'll get a reference, whether or not it will be satisfactory is something i'm now busy worrying about.

At least I should know by tomorrow afternoon at the latest. Providing all goes well, I plan to hand my notice in tomorrow afternoon and then ask them to give me 'absent leave' so that I can start my new job next week.

I had a friend come to visit me this weekend and i'm sure that friend has gone home sick to death of having to reassure me that CHH can't say anything bad about me!!

It's been a good weekend though - relaxing. Which despite having been off work for a month is just what I needed. I chilled out, watched a couple of movies, caught up on a bit of overdue cleaning and i'm going to spend the next couple of hours watching Angel reruns and wishing there were men like him where I live!

Oh and if you get the time, check out a couple of new blogs I have added to my blog roll.

China Blue - Very witty and amusing!
Cat Girl - Musings, and thoughts of a 32 yr old woman from the UK.
Heather - Funny, female football fan.
Tickles - The rants and rambling of a feline catress!

Enjoy and i'll let you all know how the reference works out.

I saw this picture and I just HAD to post it! Few things actually make me laugh out loud but this did.
I also wanted to share the following article. I drink either beer or white zinfandel....what does your drink say about you??

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:

Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.

Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.

Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You won't have to approach her, if she is interested, she'll send YOU a drink.

Drink: Wine - (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.

Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is.... this should be an easy target.

Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk...... and naked. Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:

Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.

Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.

Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.

Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid.

Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.

White Zinfandel: He's gay.

The final interview went fantastically well. The office manager informed me that he was very impressed with my skills and attitude and definitely wanted to employ me. I'm waiting now for him to contact me with a start date and further details about which area of the business he specifically wants to assign me to.

So, fingers crossed that soon it will be Goodbye CHH. Goodbye Bitch from Hell. Goodbye to a place that made me miserable and ill.

Things in most areas are starting to look up. I was actually given a mobile phone contract by TMobile, which is amazing since I have only just been released from Bankruptcy. With the new phone comes an iPod which I have been wanting for ages.

Of course, with all good things there must be a bad thing happen. I made it back from the interview yesterday, popped round to see my Dad, then on the way home my car died. I had to call out the RAC and get towed to a garage. It's completely dead. Not turning over, not doing anything, and 5 minutes prior, it wasn't exhibiting even the slightest sign of a problem.

More money wasted!!!! I refuse to let it dampen my mood though. I have a new job!!!!!!!!!! Fucking fantastic!!

I have a nice relaxing weekend ahead of me. Tonight I think i'll be having a long overdue catch up chat with "T", find out what's going on in sunny Florida. A friend is coming to visit, so it'll be much needed fun and laughs I hope. Football on Saturday, a few dvd's (and I think i'm going to be persuaded to watch horror!) probably a bottle or two of wine and of course lots of talking!!

Then Monday i'm off to the doctors to update my sick note - i'm not going back to CHH, i'll stay signed off till I start my new job. Oh and I get my contact lenses on Monday too.

The times are a changing - for the better!

Your Candy Heart Says "First Kiss"

You're a true romantic who brings an innocent hope to each new relationship.You see the good in every person you date, and you relish each step of falling in love. Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a romantic dinner your sweetie cooks for you Your flirting style: friendly and sweet What turns you off: cynics who don't believe in romance Why you're hot: you always keep the romance alive

Hmm, Interesting. Rather accurate in fact.

Life in the land of the single person. Dating. It truly is an emotional minefield. Reconciling the desire to be a part of something, with the need for independance can be tricky.

When everyone around you is getting coupled up, it can be hard to maintain a belief that the right person is out there somewhere, and that patience is actually a virtue rather than a royal pain in the ass!

I have finally accepted my singledom. With a combination of happiness, and resignation. Now I realise that those two things are mutually exclusive. However, I do not need to find my 'other half' in order to feel whole. I am a whole person, all by myself. The resignation reflects my acceptance that I can't force it to be any other way. I cannot make myself love someone who I just don't 'click' with.

None of this means I have resigned myself to the fate of an eternal spinster. Merely that I am going to follow my life where it takes me, and assume that somewhere along the way it will figure itself out. My Mr Right is out there somewhere, and when i find him - i'll know.

I wonder how many people - men and women - stay in an unhappy relationship to avoid that imagined stigma of being a singleton? I'd be willing to bet that percentage is higher than we would like to think. I only have to listen to some of my friends describe their relationships, the problems they have (and how they choose to ignore them) to realise that those couples that look outwardly perfect, often exhibits the cracks of unhappiness. Look and Brad and Jen. They shattered the illusion of the perfect relationship when Brad left to be with the slutty Angelina (yes, i'm pro Jen!). Then Posh and Becks, portraying their happy united front for the world while Becks got it on with his PA.

My point is that for the longest time I was envious of these seemingly perfect couples that I am surrounded by on a daily basis.

What do I want now? Hmm. Tough question. But one I actually have the answer to. I want to spend time with my friends. Enjoy the single life, one day at a time, having fun as I go. Because one day, a man will walk into my life and change everything. Turn my world upside down and make himself the centre of my universe.

Until that day comes - look out for some interesting dating stories as I get venture back into the minefield!!!!

Todays track is from the soundtrack to Garden State (one of my favourite movies) and it is my a band called Frou Frou.
The song is called "Let go" and it's an uplifting kind of dance track that you just want to play on repeat.



I had a nice chilled out weekend. Catching up on some 'me' time. I'm learning to appreciate my own company again. Part of my desire to reconsile the old me with the new me, and come up with a better me. My god that sounded self absorbed haha!!

I'm off to a friends house shortly. Keeping it nice and relaxing, we'll probably sit around drinking endless cups of coffee, gossiping about men (and sex of course) and watching some addictive drivel on tv like DIY shows etc.

On a lighter and brighter note, I went clothes shopping yesterday and for the fist time in a long time I actually enjoyed it. I spent a fair amount of cash on clothes, shoes and of course the prerequisite new hangbag.
Got to be prepared for my interview......

It has been a long time coming but I finally understand why I feel so unhappy all the time. It didn't involve a thunderbolt shooting down from the sky and knocking sense into my stubborn head. It has been more of a gradual realisation, compounded by my first counselling session which was the biggest waste of time I have ever spent.

I wont go into details about the counselling, suffice it to say that they guy was a jerk who clearly wanted to pounce on the fact that my parents split when I was a child and try and make that the source of all my troubles.

What I have come to realise is that I accept far too much. I am too accepting of what is offered to me, believing I am not worth any more than that. Going along with situations I may otherwise be uncomfortable with in order to 'fit in' or be percieved as 'normal'

I have stayed at CHH for 5 years. It never particularly suited me. The people are not my kind of people (with a few exceptions of course) the work is easy enough, but boring since it involves little or no human contact. I stayed because I didn't believe I would be accepted by any other companies to do anything else. I thought I should feel lucky to have a reasonably well paid job.

I have had relationships (long and short term) that I have stayed in because despite a lack of chemistry, or a myriad of other issues, I felt it better to be with someone that be labelled with the stigma of single.

I have become rather withdrawn too. Over the last 6 years I have changed from a girl who was out almost every weekend. Laughing with her friends, not caring about being single, just enjoying life. I still see my friends, but it's usually at my place, where they come for a glass or three of wine and a chat. Rarely do I venture into town, or do anything different.

What has changed in the last 6 years? I started suffering with debilitating migraines. I was given strong medication which caused me to gain a lot of weight. I was involved in a relationship with a guy who told me every day how lousy I looked, how ashamed I should be of having gained weight. I have worked for a company where I have had to suppress the type of girl I really I am. Being outgoing and having fun at work is not generally accepted in most areas of CHH.

I've gone from being bubbly and fun, to relatively quiet and withdrawn. Only those who really know me still get to see the real me.

I want the old me back!! I don't like being a poor imitation. First situation to address is the girl in the mirror.
I don't know that girl looking back at me. On the inside I still feel young and attractive. On the outside I see old, overweight and dull.

So, I need to reclaim myself. New job(hopefully, I passed the interview I went for last week and have the FINAL one on Wednesday), new and more positive outlook, new start. The photo below was taken earlier this year. I'm on the right, Medusa on the left. As I start to shrink back to the old me, I will post updated pictures. So much for new years eve being the time for new beginnings.

I bet this caught your attention didn't it? Well I thought since the person who sent it me obviously isn't camera shy I would share it. Say hello to Badminton Boy. You remember the guy who I had one date with and then spent weeks telling I was not in the leat bit interested?

Well he sent me this picture via email today, with a note saying he hoped this would grab my attention and get me to contact him! Ok first of all. I had one date with the guy back in November. Seeing him naked was not on the agenda. Secondly - how arrogant do you have to be to send a picture like this and assume it is all that's needed to get a womans interest?

I decided to be somewhat ethical and blank out the guys face since I am publishing his ass on the web, but I mean seriously guys - what happened to sending a girl flowers??????

I have been tagged by Julie.

I am: a moody bitch. C'est la vie. On a high one day and a low the next.

I want: a model figure (and a supermodels bank balance)

I wish: I could get a new job!!

I hate: Racism, bigotry, cruelty( to animals or people)

I miss: "T" because he is so far away. My dog Bengo, who died 6 years ago.

I fear: Worms. I even dislike the word so much that I never actually say it. I substitute the word 'beans'. You know when people say "That just opened a big can of w****" Well, I use the word beans instead. It amuses my friend G.

I hear: CSI on the tv as I type, and my cat meeping at the door to go out.

I wonder: If I will ever settle down, get married and have children. Not that i'm in a rush you understand, but I do wonder if I have it in me to do it.

I regret: Not going to University after school. I wanted to be a Clinical Psychologist.

I am not: a morning person. Like Julie, I am not good with mornings. I have to be awake at least 20 minutes before I become a reasonable human being.

I dance: when no one is watching.

I sing: all the time. In the car, in the shower, while I get dressed, while I clean. Singing is fun.

I cry: Far too often lately. Enough said.

I am not always: right. As much as I would like to think I am. (Shh, it's our secret!)

I make with my hands: A great lasagne and (I am told) a pretty yummy chocolate fudge cake.

I write: often. Either on my blog, or in my personal diary. It's theraputic and I like to let the creative juices flow sometimes.

I confuse: my emotions. I get things mixed up in my head and either get carried away in the moment, or overanalyse something to the point it becomes a non issue.

I need: some stability in my life. (and eight hours sleep every night too)

I should: quit worrying about the little things in life.

I start: every year with a list of new years resolutions, and break every one before the end of January.

I finish: books very quickly. I speed read, and I get through a lot of books.

Ahh.....now who shall I tag I wonder......Ok, I tag SL, KimmyK, J, and Emerald Eyes.

**Update** I think the job interview yesterday went well. They said they would let me know by the end of the week if I am through to the final stage. Fingers crossed.

Sometimes things don't go according to plan.

When I was a child I had plans. By the time I was 30 I would be married to a wonderful man who I loved with all my heart, with two children called Thomas and Karen. I would have a dog called Snoopy, and a job I loved.

Here I am at 30. Single, no children, no dog, three cats and a job I loathe.

I have spent time focusing on this a lot lately. I have allowed the sadness of reality to invade my mind and affect my moods.

A friend came to see me tonight. Her 30th birthday is next week.
She was lamenting her lack of 'life progress'. We chatted and decided that whilst we may be single, and a million miles from rich. Our lives are far from empty. We have our health. We have friends and families who love us and we love in return.

We talked about the possibility of buying a house together (as friends who don't have partners to buy with) in a couple of years time, if we are both still single. We discussed her career plan, and my hope for a new career. I told her my plans to return to college this autumn.

It was a positive conversation, despite its origins.

I then spoke (briefly) to my friend G.
I worry about him sometimes. Does anyone else have one of those friends that is there for you when no one else is? For me that friend is G. I'm not saying that my other friends wouldn't be there for if I needed them - just that he is so completely selfless with his attention that he often leaves nothing for himself. No energy to tackle his own issues, of which I know there are a few. I know as well as he does that he needs to start putting his own needs first more often. I also know him better than he thinks. For starters he will be pissed at me for writing about this on my blog, but then he has told me on more than one occasion to write what I feel without worrying about others, so that's what I am doing.

So, for my dear friend G......Put yourself first for a while. Take time out. Don't let reality drag you down. You have lots of friends who love and care about you (me included). Life has a funny way of working out. xx

On the subject of friends...."T" have you fallen off the face of the earth again?

Monday is here again and once more I have scanned my music files to find a song that adequately fits my mood. Todays song is "Trouble Sleeping" by The Perishers.



I slept wonderfully on Satuday night. Stayed over at a friends who has an amazingly comfortable bed that you just want to stay in forever!

Last night however, back in my own bed was a different story. Something is bothering me and i'm not sure what it is.
Maybe it's the interview I have lined up tomorrow. I'm a little nervous as I really need this job. It would be a new start in a new career and of course a way out of CHH.

Time is running out, and I need to get a new job before I stop getting my full sick pay from CHH. I will find something, I have no doubt about that, but what kind of salary will it be? I suspect i'm going to end up dropping a couple of thousand. Oh well, as long as my stress levels are reduced then perhaps I can start studying again in September. Open evening at the college this wednesday night. I think i'm going to sign up for a couple of A levels and try to get my brain functioning again!

Wish me luck at 10.30am tomorrow, it's interview time. I have the fancy suit, the high heeled shoes, the new haircut and a new handbag. I have researched the company and the role. Let's hope it's enough.

It was 3.12am when I groggily opened my eyes this morning. The skin on my thighs was still warm from sleep and had adherred somewhat uncomfortably to the leather sofa. I don't recall how I got there. I remember going to bed at midnight, crawling under the duvet and turning on CSI. I was sleepy, a feeling of contentment slowly travelling through my body.

Then I wake up on the sofa. Some bizarre tv show about ghosts on the background and the flat was illuminated with the light from every bulb in every room.

More confusing than worrying, since I am often prone to forgetfulness, strange dreams, and (more occasionally) ghostly contact.
I wont elaborate since I feel no compelling need to defend what I know to be true to the many sceptics out there.
What did intrigue me though was the fact that as I crawled back into bed I thought "I must blog about this"

Many of my private thoughts and feelings make into onto this blog when I cant vocally express them to a friend. However, I have noticed recently that my blog has become more of a diary of daily events than the emotional rollercoaster it used to be. I have my dark depressed days where I rant on about the unfairness of life, and work etc, but I rarely get into any more than that. I was recently I discovered why. Through blogging I have made many friends - some of whom I now know outside of the world wide web. Those are people I see, face to face. So my blog has changed. I am cautious of disclosing to these people what I am feeling, the same as I am cautious with friends that live nearby. I have to face these people.

A blog is so personal. It's the equivelant of a diary (to me anyway)...Would you let a close friend read your diary? Knowing that your thoughts change on a daily basis....

Today is the day I face off against my the senior manager of the department I work in at Corporate Hell Hole(from here referred to as CHH). This manager who I will call Mr Slime (for obvious reasons) has called me four times while I have been signed off work badgering me to go and meet with him about what my 'problems' are.
I did actually tell him outright that it was my boss that was the problem and that she was making my working life a living hell. He asked why I hadn't approached him before and I told him it was because I didn't believe for one second that it would make any difference.

I guess we will see. I am meeting with him at 1.30pm today back at CHH to discuss options and in his words 'fully aprise him of the situation'.
Don't you just hate office politics and bullshit jargon? Why couldn't he just say "We'll have a chat and see if we can figure out what the problem is and how we can solve it" Does he have to sound so damn clinical?
But then I don't suppose at this stage he can do anything right. I mean, first of all he is a guy (nuff said!!)..secondly he is a creepy little bastard, and thirdly I wouldn't trust him as far as i can throw him.

Funny (but vile) little story about him. I was at work one day and I had to go and speak to him about something so I wandered over to his desk and stood back while he finished chatting with a colleague. He clearly hadn't seen me waiting, since whilst he was talking he put his arm behind him and started digging around in his ass cheeks! Either he had a serious itch or he was losing an item of underwear to a place where the sun never shines. It's kind of hard to look at them without smirking after you just saw something like that!! (See NML, it's not just your office - all men have a wierd arse obsession)

At least it's friday though. I have quite a busy weekend ahead. Two or three friends I need to catch up with, going to the cinema, and a stack of overdue ironing that I need to get done before I start to run out of clothes.

Hope you all have fab weekends, and thanks for the kind comments yesterday.

Next week is my first appointment with a counsellor who can try and find some shred of sanity in the tangled mess that resides in my head. I have a disturbing knack for turning a good experience into something I can worry obsessively about. In fact, I often don't even need a specific thought.

Tonight was a perfect example. I found myself with a night to myself - something of a rarity these days. Instead of enjoying it, I couldn't help but drift off into that place in my head where everything is dark and all thoughts are gloomy.
I spent a large part of 3 hours laid on the sofa in the dark. Eyes wide open. Thinking random thoughts that lacked any real direction. I told myself to snap out of it, get the hell up and do something but I just couldn't do it.

When I get like that it's almost as though someone or something is literally draining the positivity from me and I have to fight like hell to hang onto it. The longer I fight it the weaker I get, but the less I fight the more mired in melancholy I become.

I must be a candidate for the nuthouse! Fortunately (I suppose) these sad spells evaporate almost as suddenly as they appear. One impromptu phone call from a friend, and whatever demons I am mentally battling, flee back to the darkest corners of my mind.

I should have had a job interview today. Three hours before I was due to arrive, I recieved a phone call telling me that the position was no longer open. In fact that it is 'on hold indefinately'
Typical - the call came right after I just spend money I could ill afford on getting my hair cut and styled at a proper salon.

Anyway - tomorrow should be better. I am meeting a friend for lunch - someone who used to work at the hell hole where I am employed and left because of the same person who is currently driving me out. I suspect he and I will have a damn good bitching session. After he regales me with his travel stories of course - he gets to fly around as an air steward for Virgin Atlantic, while the rest of us push a pen around or tap at a keyboard all day long.
Then it's catch up time again with Hal and his 'missus'. I have to call her that because they are SO joined at the hip!

I leave you with this question....who decided that blue and black were sad and depressing colours? Why is blue the colour of sadness, red the colour of anger, yellow the colour of hope and pink the colour of love?....

Todays musical Monday track is from a band called Jimmy Eat World. I love this song.



Hope you all like the picture too. I spent the better part of an hour trying to find just the right one to go with the song.

I've had a relaxing weekend. Spent time with friends and family and generally tried to wind down from the stresses that seem to besiege the rest of my time.

Friday I had a wander out with Hal. We grabbed coffee in town and had the catch up that we had both been trying to find time for since getting back from Berlin. He is so settled with his girlfriend now that's it's scary! They are buying a house together and discussing decorating styles. I spent friday evening at my aunts house, eating chinese food and watched Will Smith do his thing in Bad Boys 2. My aunt has a 50" flat widescreen tv that was almost like having Will Smith in the room with us (drool) I did end up agreeing to babysit my cousin all day on Saturday though. Long time readers will recall my ambivalence towards children. my cousin is 12 years old and very, very quiet.
Fortunately, she seemed satisfied to feed my cats so many treats that their stomachs appeared to visibly expand, and watch her favourite Hillary Duff movie 'A Cinderella Story'
Six hours in her compant though was exhausting and it was a relief to spend the remainder of the evening lying on the sofa eating Haagen Daaz and watching 'You've Got Mail'
You can't beat a good old chick flick for relaxation.

This week I have to try and follow up on some employment leads. With a little luck I should have some final interviews lined up soon. I also have to meet with one of the senior manager from work to discuss filing an official grievance against my bitch of a manager. I am dreading that meeting. Just the thought of it makes me feel sick.
Hopefully though, I wont have to go back to work until I can hand in my notice.

Meantime, enjoy the track, and Happy Musical Monday to all.