This guy was walking down the sidewalk when he sees a Little Johnny wearing a red firefighter's hat and sitting in a red wagon which is being pulled slowly by a large Labador Retriever. When he got a little closer, he saw that the kid was holding a rope which is tied to the dog's testicles, which may explain why the dog is walking so slowly. Going up to the kid, he said,"That's a nice fire engine you got there, but I bet it would go faster if you have the rope around the dog's neck." "Yeah," the kid replied."But I wouldn't have a siren."

There was an old man of Madrid
Who went to an auction to bid.
In the first lot they sold
Was an ancient commode---
And, my God, when they lifted the lid!

He is so polite, he wouldn't open an oyster without
knocking on the shell first.

The White House says President Clinton will make a speech on
campaign finance reform today in California. Says Argus Hamilton,
"The exact time hasn't been announced. Aides are still trying to
fit it in between fund-raisers."

Two blondes were walking through the woods and they
came to some tracks.
The first blonde said "These look like deer tracks."
The other said, "No, they look like moose tracks."
They argued and argued and were still arguing when
the train hit them.

St. Petersburg, Florida:

A Florida woman is offering to sell one of her kidneys
to pay off a hospital debt.
Ruth Sparrow ran an ad over the weekend in The
St. Petersburg Times. It read: "KIDNEY - Runs good. Taking offers."
Sparrow is serious. She owes $20,000 for gall bladder surgery,
and wants to pay it off.
She says both her kidneys work fine and she's willing to part
with one to settle her debt. She offered one directly to Bayfront
Medical Center, which turned it down.
The newspaper has stopped running the ad, since selling organs
is illegal in Florida

There was a young lady of Mott
Who inserted a fly up her twat
And pretended the buzz
Was not what it was,
But something she knew it was not.

"I'd love to go out with you but I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting..." -- fortune

Anthony's Law of Force: Don't force it; get a larger hammer.

This one lady was telling the judge how her husband was
abusive to her on several occasions and how fearful she was for
her life. She was seeking a restraining order. The judge
granted the order. The bailiff asked if she needed an escort to
her car, since her husband was in the courtroom with her. She
said, 'No, he's my ride home.'

What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

You can unscrew a light bulb!

There was a young man from Lyme
Who couldn't get limericks to sound right.
When asked why not
It was said that he thought
They were overly long and far to complex, possibly even dull.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Sign of drinking problem...

You shout, "I'm not as think you drunk I am."


Sent by JC

There was a brave damsel of Brighton
Whom nothing could possibly frighten.
She plunged in the sea
And, with infinite glee,
Was fucked in the ass by a Triton

A few years ago my wife started to wear tight jeans. I went out and bought a convertible. Then she bleached her hair. I took a lot of multiple vitamin shots. Just a few months ago, she had a face lift and a "tummy tuck." I got an implant. And that's the way its been for the two of us: side by side -- growing young together.

A woman is laying on a gurney out in the hall prior to going to surgery.
As she lays there, a man in white coat comes by, lifts up the sheet, and
then leaves. This happens a second time. The third time this happens, she
says "Doctor, am I going into surgery soon?"
The man replied, "Don't ask me lady. I'm just a painter!"

Women ! Who can figure 'em out ? Now that the kids are grown and gone, my wife sez she needs more "outside interests". I thought I'd surprise her and presented her with a brand new fancy lawn mower, just the other day. Now, she's mad with me.

There once was a girl named Louise
Whose cunt hair hung down to her knees.
The crabs in her twat
Tied the hair in a knot
And constructed a flying trapeze.

"I have opinions -- but I don't always agree with them."

- George Bush Sr.