Yo momma is so fat, every time she wears high heels, she strikes oil.

The teacher asked Little Johnny: "How can you prove the earth is round?"

Little Johnny replied: "I can't. Besides, I never said it was."

Press any key- no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

Yo momma is so fat. She doesn't have a waistline - she has a landscape.

Chuck Norris does not use spell check. If he happens to misspell a word, Oxford will simply change the actual spelling of it.

Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?

Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

What's the difference between Watergate and Zippergate?

At least this time, there's no doubt about the identity of "Deep Throat."

What does Wal-Mart, Zellers and Michael Jackson have in common?

Boy's underwear half off.

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?

1) 1001. One to install the new bulb, plus one thousand lawyers to assert intellectual property rights over every light bulb ever invented.
2) Microsoft doesn't change light bulbs. It declares Darkness (TM) the new standard.

Yo momma is so dumb she got hit by a parked car.

A philosophy professor walks in to give his class their final. Placing his chair on his desk the professor instructs the class, "Using every applicable thing you've learned in this course, prove to me that this chair DOES NOT EXIST."

So, pencils are writing and erasers are erasing, students are preparing to embark on novels proving that this chair doesn't exist, except for one student. He spends thirty seconds writing his answer, then turns his final in to the astonishment of his peers.

Time goes by, and the day comes when all the students get their final grades ... and to the amazment of the class, the student who wrote for thirty seconds gets the highest grade in the class.

His answer to the question: "What chair?"

A man was wandering around in a field, thinking about how good his wife had been to him and how fortunate he was to have her.

He asked God, "Why did you make her so kind-hearted?"
The Lord responded, "So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her so good-looking?"
"So you could love her, my son."
"Why did you make her such a good cook?"
"So you could love her, my son."

The man thought about this. Then he said, "I don't mean to seem ungrateful or anything, but ... why did you make her so stupid?"

"So she could love you, my son."

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says: "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really? Like a newborn baby?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

A man will pay $2.00 for a $1.00 item he wants.

A woman will pay $1.00 for a $2.00 item she does not want!

Why did the chicken go to the séance?

To get to the other side!

Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.

"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrant for my dirty lawyer."

"Why?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. Why do you want to arrest him?"

"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."

Who invented King Arthur's round table?

Sir Circumference!

Why is a viola solo like a bomb?

By the time you hear it, it's too late to do anything about it.

Why do we kill people who kill people to show that killing people is wrong?