Date: Wed, 19 Jun 2013 19:45:11 +0200
- Single Sista's Guide to Dating
Is a good man that hard to find?
By Rashida McKenzie
Is a good man that hard to find, or is it sometimes where we are looking? In our brothas’ defense, there are plenty of good, strong, loving and hard-working Black men out there. You know, the ones who proudly take care of their families, ones who go to work every day so they can provide and even ones who may be struggling to find a job, but aren’t allowing a lack thereof to take anything away from their responsibilities.
The truth is, sistas, that sometimes we want a man to come with our list of criteria already filled; but if he were to hold you to those same standards would you even pass your own test? By making a list of what you want you may be really passing up what you need.
What’s the difference? A want list has criteria that look similar to these: someone who makes (fill in the sum you desire); 6′2″; 180 pounds; brown-skinned; light eyes; goes to church every Sunday; and comes with no baggage.
All of those things are conditional, superficial and variables – meaning they are likely to change at any time. Just because someone is making a certain amount of money now doesn’t mean they will be later. This economy is unstable and it’s getting worse. While you’re looking for a man in a 6′2″ package, 180 pounds, wrapped in brown skin and topped off with light eyes, you may miss the special delivery you were about to get in a 5′8″ package, 280 pounds, with dark-skin and dark eyes. Just ’cause a brotha goes to church every Sunday doesn’t mean they have a relationship with God, and we all have baggage, some of us more than others. So if you don’t want to deal with his, don’t expect anyone else to want to deal with yours.
A “need” list looks a little different and list things such as: love, patience, understanding, honesty, companionship, a relationship with God and willingness to accept you as you are. Those things are unconditional and won’t change if either one of you gains a little bit of weight or is laid off from work, or if you perhaps have crazy relatives he’ll have to deal with.
We do have choice in the matter, and for most of us our bad experiences with men come from the choices that we made, but not always. What’s important is that you don’t hold a good man accountable for a bad man’s mistakes. That will always prevent you from finding true love.
Let me let you in on a little secret, for those who are really looking for a good Black man. True love ultimately has to be found within yourself before you can love someone else.
Practice the latest phenomenon, the law of attraction. That means that what you see for yourself and what you put out there is what you will get back. If you don’t value yourself, then don’t expect him to; and if you don’t love yourself, then how can he?