Date: Sun, 26 May 2013 05:44:07 +0200
Rob and Doug Ford In…Mending Fences
A series of adventures starring the controversial Mayor of Toronto and his beleaguered older brother/city councilor, Doug.
(Toronto. Office of the Mayor)
Rob: (screaming into hallway) Doug! Dougy, come in here, quick!
Doug: (bursts into office) What’s wrong?
Rob: You’ll never guess what I found! (opens drawer in desk) Mayor Miller’s secret porno mag stash!
Rob: (flipping through magazines) Obese N’ Easy, Horny Inuit Quarterly, Barely Legal Immigrants…this is some sick stuff. Nya-ha-ha-ha! Miller was a total perv!
Doug: Those are yours.
Doug: (picking up magazine) Look. You had your assistant label the covers “Property of Mayor Ford – DO NOT TOUCH!”
Doug: Jesus, Bobby, you even used your mayoral seal on them. I told you that thing was not a toy.
Rob: Well, that explains why they were in a drawer with my brass knuckles.
Doug: Either way, I’m glad you called me in here. We need to talk about Pride.
Rob: Aw, Christ, Dougy. Not this again.
Doug: Yes, this again. You can’t keep punting this issue and expect people to forget about it.
Rob: For God’s sake, what more do they want? I already signed the proclamation.
Doug: Yeah, but you need to do something publicly. I’m telling you, skipping the parade was a big deal.
Rob: Hey, don’t pin that one on me. I told you I would go.
Doug: Yeah – on a float with a bunch of lesbian strippers from The Rail. Jesus, I’m trying to get you re-elected here, dumbshit.
Rob: (jumping up from chair) YOU DON’T GET TO CALL ME A DUMBSHIT ANYMORE, DOUGY! I’M THE MAYOR OF THIS TOWN!
Doug: Okay, tiger, okay. Relax.
Rob: (sits down, breathing heavily)
Doug: All I’m saying is, we’re in heavy damage control mode, and you need to make a symbolic gesture.
Rob: Can’t you just tell them I’m religious or something? And that it’s against my believes?
Rob: What did I say?
Doug: We can’t play the religion card. We don’t want the press figuring out that you haven’t been to church since that time you got drunk and took a dump in the tabernacle at St. Paul’s.
Rob: Nya-ha-ha-ha! I totally forgot about that! Jeez, we were a couple of crazy kids, eh?
Doug: That was four years ago. At my daughter’s baptism.
Rob: Sounds about right. How is my goddaughter, anyway?
Doug: I didn’t make you the godfather.
Rob: You know what? Fine. Have it your way. (waving arms sarcastically) Let’s make a big public spectracle to show I’ve got nothing against the queers.
Doug: Thanks, Bobby.
Rob: Maybe a dinner or something with some big-name gay-types.
Doug: Hey, that’s a great idea. You can invite Irene Miller and her family, maybe Brian Burke.
Rob: C’mon, Dougy! Think bigger!
Doug: Okay. Who did you have in mind?
Rob: Picture this. Mayor Ford. At Red Lobster. Eating dinner with…the gay Transformer.
Rob: The yellow one. What’s his name…Bumblebee.
Rob: (picks up phone, starts dialing) Tell you what, I’ll make the reso at The Lobs, you call your contacts in the movies.
Doug: Hang up the phone.
Rob: Huh? Why?
Doug: Because it’s the stupidest god damn thing I’ve ever heard, that’s why.
Rob: (leaping to feet) WHY? BECAUSE I THOUGHT OF IT?
Doug: No, because first of all, BUMBLEBEE IS NOT A REAL PERSON, YOU DUMBSH…
Rob: (leaps over desk, tackles Doug to the ground) I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT!
Doug: Gah! (flips Rob over, pins him to ground) Knock it off, kid!
Rob: LET ME UP!
Doug: Not until you calm…
Rob: LET ME UP I SAID!
Doug: Fine! (rolls off Rob, sits on ground, panting)
Rob: (sits up, dusts self off angrily)
Doug: You’re crazy, you know that?
Rob: Yeah, and you’re an asshole.
Doug: Why? Because I’m trying to help you do your job?
Rob: No! Because you…
Doug: Because I what?
Rob: (softly) Because you treat me like a goddamn kid. But I’m not a kid anymore, Dougy. I’m the mayor, for chrissakes.
Doug: I know that.
Rob: Well, you sure don’t act like it sometimes.
Rob: (wipes nose on sleeve)
Doug: You know something? You’re right. I don’t treat you with enough respect.
Rob: (shrugs shoulders, absent-mindedly scratches at cheese stain on pants)
Doug: I guess it’s just that…sometimes I still see you as my baby bro, you know? The chubby little guy, running around Etobicoke, laughing and joking and tackling mailboxes. And I overlook the impressive, powerful, responsible leader of a major city that you’ve become.
Doug: I mean it. From now on, I’m going to start treating you with the respect that this office – and that you - deserve.
Rob: (hushed voice) That’s all I ever wanted.
(They stand up and hug)
Doug: I really do love your dinner idea. Let’s just give some more thought to the guest list, okay?
Rob: Okay. But can we take the rest of the day off? Too much work gives me lower back pain, shortness of breath, high blood pressure and hyperhydrosis.
Doug: Sure we can. What do you want to do…Mr. Mayor?
Rob: (smiles, rubs hands together excitedly)
Doug: Oh, for fu…you want to go see the new Transformers, don’t you?
Rob: (claps hands) I’ll race you to the limo?
Doug: Now now, don’t you think it’s a little beneath the dignity of the office for the mayor to be seen racing a councilor to his car?
Rob: Yeah, I guess you’re…
Doug: (suddenly bursts towards door)
Rob: Oh, you’re going to pay for that! Nya-ha-ha…(rushes towards door, falls, gets up and runs giggling after Doug)